I'm having such a shitty day. Everything just wants to be fucking shitty. I woke up so excited for the day because it was farmers market day and when you are on SNAP, like me, you get to "double up" what you spend on tokens for free. So I was fucking pumped that I was gonna get $40 worth of fruits and veggies and plants for $20 off my snap card. And it was fucking amazing. Each morning that I've woken up since I've stopped smoking, I feel exponentially clearer in my head.
But today that went to hell in a hand basket. The detox has me really really irrational, irritable, angry, sad, and just overall not great in the brain, ๐ต insane in the brain ๐ต, and just physically struggling with feeling fucking everything. So what does that mean? It means every person, being, and pretty much anything that wasn't a plant, made me angry. I was controlling it well until I was trying to spray off my counters and the glass spray bottle slipped from my hand and shattered everywhere. It was like at that moment, all my will, all my spoons, all my fucks.... went poof into thin air and I just wanted to fucking scream. But I couldn't, for so many obvious reasons. And then the vacuum wasn't working properly, mind you I rescued this vacuum so it's a labor of love, so I had to fucking take the whole thing apart and that meant there were little tiny glass shards FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Then I finally fix the vacuum and as I'm vacuuming, D comes out to get his energy drink and he asked me a question and I unintentionally snapped at him. I really wasn't trying to and I didn't mean to but it came out like I was an asshole.
I moved on and finished vacuuming while fuming, over what? No fucking clue. I had planned to take my daily cold plunge after I cleaned. I really was hoping it would fix my mood. But it didn't. Because A. My mood is so fucked right because of me coming off of thc. And B. The water was fucking WARM ๐๐ so now I have to start putting ice in my plunges... lovely.
D has been struggling a bit as well. He's in between jobs and that has him really quite upset as he feels he is failing his family. So I encouraged him to go mountain biking. Hoping that I could fix my mood before he got back and lu came back from her dad's.
Newsflash it didn't. I think it just amplified the sads and that's fucking bullshit. But I felt so fucking alone. And it's been a very long time since I've felt lonely. At least not since my last marriage. But I also didn't want to be with anyone. Wtf do you do in that situation?
But the most frustrating part, I wasn't even fucking helping myself. I wasn't talking to anyone I wasn't asking for help. I was falling straight back into my bad habits of internalizing and it was just making the fucking loop so much worse.
I wish this story had a happy ending but it really doesn't. I spent the rest of the day grumpy. Being grumpy that I was grumpy. Mad at myself for not being able to sit and enjoy the extra day I get with lu and the park we took the girls to.
But I still haven't consumed any thc. I have had 1 chamomile and peppermint mini roll (hand rolled) and that's it. The tea is definitely helping. Especially the nausea and the anxiety yawns. But it's also not the same.
I'll be ok. D came in to talk to me literally as I was writing this and I just started crying and telling him all the shit. And that made me feel a tad better, but 2 mins later I'm overstimulated by my girls being fucking kids. It was all I ever wanted in life, to be a mom. That's literally the one and only thing I felt I was truly supposed to do and here I am, irritated by the mere existence of my wonderful children. I feel like a horrible mother. Although I know if it was someone else, I would say that this is normal and it's part of the process and we all have bad days. But does Taylor Cecelia Brook listen to that shit?
Nope. Instead I'm wallowing in my shit trying to meditate but too distracted by my brain that I finally couldn't take it anymore and I needed to get it all out. So here we are. Me sitting in my bed, with a tens unit on one of my buttcheeks because I somehow fucked up my whole right side and now everything is out of alignment and my piriformis is MAD and my rib has slipped out of place, again... so I can't fucking deep breath. The one thing that truly helps, I can't do.
I'll be ok but today was hard.
In the words of the great Judah and the Lion "I'll be just fine after some time it'll be all right, that's just the cost of living."