Did Your Kid Die Too?

Part 3

This is part 3 of my memoir serialization. To find parts 1 and 2 please visit: https://www.taylorceceliabrook.com/s/did-your-kid-die-too

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We got to the hospital and found a place to park in the parking garage. Which was on the opposite side of the NICU portion of the hospital. Again, I had a baby less than 24 hours ago. That walk took forever. And I remember thinking “someone please get me a fucking wheelchair.” But I think I only actually asked for one once. And then it was a while before one arrived because you had to REQUEST THEM. They were assigned to you.

We got up to the NICU and because it was cold and flu season, only 2 people at a time were allowed in. So my parents lovingly waited in the waiting room while we went in to see our baby for the first time since she had left. That waiting room would later hold so many memories, both good and bad.

We walked into the handwashing station after verifying our identity and shown how to properly wash my hands. You had to do this EVERY TIME you entered the NICU. After receiving our new permanent paper bracelets, we were shown where Lily’s isolette was. She was hooked on all sorts of stuff. ALL sorts of stuff. Thankfully at that particular moment it wasn’t as much as it would be on some days. I asked Lily’s nurse everything they knew, but I was told I needed to wait to see the doctors.

Fucking bless the NICU nurses. They probably saved my life and Joey’s. As, without them, I think things would’ve gone very differently. Within minutes of being there, the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold Lily. And I believe I have a picture of me holding her for the very first time, but I'm not 100% certain. Regardless, they brought this tiny tiny, bundled up in blankets and cords, baby with dark dark hair. And then she got the hiccups.

Lily had beautiful timing her whole life. Those hiccups were her way of expressing, so I later learned. She was saying hello to her momma in the only way she knew how. And to this day I can still hear them and I would give anything to hold her again while she squeaked away, as they sounded like little tiny squeaks from a rubber duck.  

As I held her, I knew something was wrong with her, I just didn’t know what.

I was so very positive and optimistic. That’s who I was/am. But something just didn’t feel right. The doctors eventually came and saw us and discussed what they knew at the moment and their steps to learn more. But their biggest concerns were:

Her lack of tone, her underdeveloped optic nerves( that meant she was probably blind), her failed hearing test (that she did later pass… kind of), her low birthweight, her facial features, her fontanel, and that they thought she was possibly having seizures.

It was so much to take in and I felt so overwhelmed. So I just nodded and said ok what happenes next? They brought in the NICU social worker to get us set up to stay at the Fisher House, the Military's version of the Ronald McDonald house. But we wouldn’t be able to get a room until the next night. Apparently, the universe was on our side when Lily was born because everything else worked out in the best possible way with her life. Normally there is a long wait for the Fisher House. We only had to wait a night. Bless the fucking mother.

So we had to drive back home after the NICU closed for the night… apparently it didn’t actually close and I wish I would’ve known this sooner. But by that point I was almost falling over from exhaustion. Yet for some reason I thought it was a good idea to go to dinner…

I fucking went to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory less then 24 hours after giving birth.

I stood and waited for an hour for a table. And then had to collect all the sweatshirts from my family to sit on because the wooden booths were obviously horribly uncomfortable on my bruised and battered Vagina.

That night felt like a century and to be honest a lot of it has blurred together. I remember not being able to stay for my key lime cheesecake because I was just to fucking tired. So Joey drove us home, I called the NICU to check in on her, and promptly passed out.

I wanted to be back there by 8 am the next morning. 

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Oh gosh guys, thank you for reading along! I have had so many wonderful comments, shares, and DM’s in regards to this particular series. It means so so so fucking much to me. If you know someone who might benefit from my words, please consider sharing. Everything of mine is free, forever, for everyone :)

Much Love,

Taylor Cecelia Brook