Falling Off The Face 🙂 of The Earth 🌎

Sooooo, you see

*******HEADS UP THIS POST IS LONG********

I do this thing. This thing where when I get overwhelmed by life, I shut down a majority of all other external input. I stop interacting on social media, I don’t text my best friend as much, I completely disengage from all of my discord and other groups, and I put my head down and go.

You see, I have a habit of doing this thing, where I just fall off the face of the proverbial earth and disappear until I am ready to be fully present again. And this happens at least twice a year. I know now that I actually need this flow in my life and I have become very good at focusing in internally… but that is the unhealthy part. The obsession of the internal.

The hamster wheel your brain is on. The thoughts that are not only looping over again and again and again, but they come on top of each other. There is no time to process, it just slams into your prefrontal cortex and tries to force its way through. I used to think I had zero control over this. Then I thought the steel boxes I put everything in WAS controlling it. But NOW, like within the last 6 months, I have started to finally get to a point where I can mentally redirect and am making progress towards rewiring a large portion of my brain.

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WOAH Holy shit Taylor that was a word vomit instead of an explanation as to where I’ve been this last month ish.

Oh yes ok there was a reason for that wall of text: To explain why I fall off the face of the earth. I get overwhelmed is the TLDR. But why did it happen this time? Well let me tell you…

You see it all started with… (Any HIMYM Fans out there?!)

Lily lol

You all are probably like “Ya we know that most of your issues start with Lily”

But It was literally the date of her death where it all kind of started. When I have too many emotions to process, it clutters my brain. And if I’m not exercising regularly, which I haven’t been and I feel like I’m dying, my brain REALLY gets cluttered.

Digression

Did you know that this is actually a real thing? When you exercise and really get into a zone of focus, it gives your subconscious the opportunity to clean and organize. I distinctly remember describing this exact feeling to a therapist, about a year after Lily died, as to WHY I needed running in my life.

ANYWAY,

So We’ve got:

• Too many emotions from the day Lily died

• Too many emotions from reliving those five months all over again

AND THEN

Next came the big whammy. Iz is staying with her mom for the school year and that has never been a thing. So D is obviously very sad and all of that. So now we have those emotions in the mix.

THENNNN

I find out my hours were getting cut in half and at the same time my SNAP was raised and then dropped, All of my bills were due, and it was Lu’s 5th Birthday. And I was so nervous I wasn’t going to have enough money to buy the things I wanted to give her.

And thennnnn

We went on a little family trip. That trip took all the sails out of me.

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You see, I have this other thing where something happens hormonally and the energy from that throws EVERYTHING off. Don’t worry, we are working on this in EMDR. But that happens a week right before my period. Like fucking clock work. It took me about 6 months to figure out why D and I randomly have a whole week where we are at each others throats. You would think that knowing this information would help prevent the tension from happening, but no. Nope Nope Nope. Somehow, we forget EVERY MONTH.

That week happened to be the week we were taking the girls out to my family’s cabin. I swear my brain falls out of my ass during that week. It’s like I become this flibbertigibbet, and lose all my senses. I was NOT prepared for our trip. I fumbled in SO many places. And well as you can imagine, D and I were at each others throats THAT WHOLE WEEKEND.

So lets add all of this up:

Lily emotions + Job emotions + Iz emotions + Money emotions + Pre Period Emotions + The internal panic from said period emotions impacting D + Lu’s Birthday + D having to work a lot (not his fault and not upset it’s just one more thing ya know?)

=

A VERY OVERWHELMED TAYLOR lol

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So that’s where I’ve been. I’ve been hiding trying to just weather the storm and roll with the punches. I was asked in an interview the other day to describe my life in a phrase and I said “rolling with the punches” because to be honest, that’s all I really can do. That and keep fucking going. My Substack kept going because I know these things happen to me and I plan for that thankfully!

On Monday this week however, it finally hit my like a ton of bricks

I am about to shatter a brand new ceiling. I am PUSHING my internal energy thermometer. It does not want to go up, but it fucking is going to dammit. I am being thrown so much shit right now because

I’m about to mother fucking uplevel.

AND I AM READY FOR IT

So for now, I’m going to just roll with whatever the Universe throws at me. Prove to her that I can handle more. And be patient with the time it might take for this to happen. As many wise people have said “sometimes things have to fall apart for new things to be created.”

New things are being created right now.

RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

One final things…

Would any of my readers be interested in like a end of the month wrap up of my life? Like what I’ve been doing, working on, reading, progress on the book. That kind of shit? I’ve put a poll below if you feel like voting!

Ok! By for now!

Much Love,

Taylor Cecelia Brook

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