Fucking Changed Forever

How 1 book changed my whole life.

I read. A LOT. And by a lot,

I mean that if I’m not currently reading a book, I feel empty, bereft, without direction. It’s quite strange. I think it boils down to my brain’s intense need to be constantly consuming information… working on unfucking that right now.

Anyway,

I read “It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn” (did I do that correctly MLA Police? I only know APA lol)

Front Cover of Said Book

It Changed My Life… Forever

Like the title states, this book has completely changed my life. All in positive, needed ways. If you have mental health challenges, I highly Highly recommend reading this book. Below are my takeaways about my own life, and how this book has dramatically improved the quality of my life. In reading this, I hope you find comfort in knowing someone else struggles with similar problems, find peace in knowing it doesn’t have to stay that way, and find enjoyment in reading my words.

The Impact of Maternal Mental Health

The family mind chapter (page 41 of my book) talks about how and in what way a child is impacted as early as in the womb, by their own mother. I know my mom suffered with anxiety, depression, and ADHD while pregnant with me. Who could blame her? She had major inherited trauma and she was having a baby that she didn’t expect to be having. All of that can effect the baby and essentially precondition them to have those similar challenges… hi adhd and anxiety.

Early Separation and Its Effects

But here’s the other major part: a simple little separation can completely break the bond between mother and child, such as a hospital stay or a mom going on vacation (kind of fucked, isn’t it?). When I was very, very little, my mom had a hospital stay for severe sun poisoning. I’m pretty sure she was only there for a max of 3 days. But, as I’ve learned, I was born a highly sensitive person, so this small separation felt “life-threatening,” as Dr. Phillips, a neonatologist from Loma Linda, stated. While I have zero memory of this happening, my subconscious and my brain most definitely did. I always thought it was interesting that I was a daddy’s girl. My heart fucking breaks for my mom. My heart broke 10,000,000 times for my mother and grandmother as I read this book.

Struggling with Mental Health

My mom has struggled with her mental health her whole life, not unlike her own mother, and her mother’s mother. And guess what? For a long time, I've really struggled with my mental health. But I always felt like I needed to fix my mom or help her or make her happier, and in turn, I’ve carried her burden. She never ever told me I needed to do these things; that was just something my brain decided to unconsciously take on. When that happens, “a child who takes care of a parent often forges a lifelong pattern of overextension and creates a blueprint for habitually feeling overwhelmed.”

This was me. Literally until this year. So for 30 years (or more like 24ish), I have been overextending myself in an effort to gain or achieve something in return that I couldn’t get from my parents (again, this is not any of their faults). But like, holy shit. How much of a mindfuck is it to learn that you are a people pleaser, always offering to do things, simply because of something that happened unknowingly to you in your childhood… WTF.

The Internal Relationship with My Mother

Sorry for the poor readability

This whole page sums up my life and my internal relationship with my mother. I started bawling when I read this. Because it fucking sucks. I dealt with all of this shit for something that wasn’t mine to deal with, one that my mother didn’t actually do, and one that created some serious rifts in my relationship with all motherly figures. I do believe in my attempt to find this affection, I sought out individuals who inappropriately gave it to me, and that caused so many issues for me as a teenager.

Shutting Down and Bonding

One of the largest things that I think is another nail in the proverbial coffin was that “sometimes, after such a break, a child unknowingly shuts down to receiving the mother’s nurturance and instead attempts to take care of the mother as a way of bonding with her.” And thus, we never had a chance of having a normal relationship.

I’ve never been comfortable with physical affection, and I never really understood why. As a baby, my mom often talked about how I loved to cuddle and be rocked. But I have zero memories as a child of having a large amount of affection from my parents. But I realize now, looking back, I never sought it out. For whatever reason, I felt like I couldn't. I do remember being envious of the kids who had close relationships with their parents and had parents who hugged and kissed and held hands. That wasn’t seen in my house growing up very often. Why? I don’t actually know, and again, I’m not blaming my parents; it's just what I grew up with.

So now, because of this, it caused major affection issues in my life later on, leading to intimacy issues, cheating, and having to dive deep into my soul to give my children the physical affection they need and deserve.

I am so happy that I am only 30 and have so many more years left to build a wonderful relationship with her. When I was younger, I know she was trying so hard to love me, and my brain shut down due to her absence, and my own emotional needs needed her to be there. That broke our bond. And she was doing her best with what she knew.

Affection and Relationship Healing

I feel like now that I’ve gotten to a point where I've realized I actually was a super affectionate baby. It was not until I was in my current relationship, that I feel like I am allowing myself the gift of getting to experience true affection. And that my affection challenges only happened because of one small break in the bond with my mother.

Now I can lay in bed and be in my partner's arms for so long, and I can give and receive long hugs (that feel like 20 minutes long) and hold hands and snuggle on the couch, and it’s so fucking awesome.

Reflecting on Positive Memories

“Many of us hold onto only those memories designed to protect us from being hurt again, memories that support our defenses, memories that evolutionary biologists claim are part of our inborn negativity bias.”

The book then asks you to reflect on the positives of your parents and childhood. And here came the fucking tears again because god damn my parents are really fucking awesome. They worked SO FUCKING HARD for me to be able to do gymnastics from the age of 3 and beyond. My mom would spend her weekends meal planning, putting everything on the calendar, clipping coupons, and grocery shopping smartly, all so I could have nutritious and fucking delicious food every day (which, by the way, kind of turned me into a bit of a food snob… oh well). Like, holy shit, I only do half of that, and I’m exhausted every goddamn day. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of exhaustion she felt as she was also our breadwinner for a very, very long time. Like, they did all of that.

They read to me, they helped with homework, my dad tried his damned hardest to help me be more coordinated, bless his heart. He built me a balance beam so I could practice in the basement. They bought me all the music I ever wanted and always supported my desire to pursue more music. I used to get so upset that they didn’t always make it to my concerts, but now, I get it. Especially since I had 5 of them in one day sometimes, and always playing the same songs. But later in my school hood, my mom and dad came to EVERYTHING they could. They drove me all over for auditions for the elite wind ensemble of California, just so I could be the best Middle and Highschool bassoonist in California. They paid for bassoon lessons, and guess what? It paid off later as I got a fucking scholarship because of that goddamn bassoon, lol.

And the icing on the cake: my birthdays and Christmases were absolutely elite, top level, unlike any of my other friends. I always found that weird because I had some rich friends, but my Christmas was always better, more magical, more fun, and with better presents. Because my mom fucking paid attention and put in the effort. She always felt bad because she did things last minute, but as a mom now who also has ADHD, I wish she wouldn’t have blamed herself. She wasn’t doing that intentionally, and she ALWAYS made it so special. I know most can’t say that for their family.

And then my mom spent the whole fucking 6 weeks with me and my then-husband, sleeping in a bed next to us, while we were at the Fisher House while Lily was in the NICU. She did all the shopping and laundry for us and took notes for us at every meeting because she knew I wasn’t fully present, because hello, my kid was fucking dying. How many people can say that? That they have a mother so fucking dedicated to them that they were there for every fucking moment. And then when we finally came home, my parents were there at our apartment almost every weekend, doing whatever they could to help us, relieve some of the stress, cook and wash diapers for me, and clean up, and buy us groceries, they did it all. That was the moment where my eyes began to shift, and I began to think… I don’t know if what I think about my mom is true. Their support has never waned, and I've put them through some emotional shit. I’m so fucking thankful for them.

Appreciating My Parents' Efforts and The Impacts

They’ve always been there for me. I wouldn’t have made it through the shitshow of Lily being born if my parents hadn’t been there for me every second of the day. So now I get to live in this beautiful paradox, where I have this book that is essentially gutting me, stabbing me in the heart, and also at the same time filling me with so much gratitude for my parents. Because damn, they did a great job considering the trauma they both came from. And I get to break this for my kids. I get to build this amazing, healthy relationship with my parents and help my kids break the cycles we all were in for generations. How fucking cool is that?

Seeking Relief from Emotional Pain… It Didn’t Work

“Sometimes the freedom we seek eludes us. Unable to feel at ease inside our bodies, we search for relief in the next glass of wine, the next purchase, the next text or phone call, the next sexual partner. Relief rarely comes when the source of our longing is our mother’s care.”

I literally did this. I sought it in weed, initially in my relationship with my ex, and then in sex with other people while sneaking around and lying to everyone, as a teenager and as an adult. It was part of the demise of my first marriage. I’ve never ever felt at home in my body. Until I started unfucking everything. My mom has been attempting to care for me for so long, and for so long, and I've pushed it away. I got to see them this past weekend, and I can feel my internal relationship with my parents growing more and more. I have a voice memo apology that I recorded where I am telling my mom over and over that I am SO SORRY, written a physical note apology, and said it in person for a few of the things I have done and said. And eventually have apologized for all of the things that caused her to feel hurt by me, because it wasn’t her fault. It was my own brain causing these issues.

It’s so fucking wild to be reading this book now and have so much clicking into place. It also brings me back to that one point in December (Cue T. Swift Back to December) when I had that massive panic attack and massive breakthrough. That was my final straw where I decided it was time to unfuck everything.

Financial Challenges and Core Language of Success

I want to also touch on chapter 13, the core language of success. We all know those self-help books that promise success if we follow a prescribed plan. And SHOCKING, they have never worked for me. Well, I’ve learned that some parts of my family are fucking HORRIBLE with money. Like, literally fucking horrible. My mom has her own issues with money (I don’t blame her; her mother never fucking taught her). I realized recently how much I have inherited those money beliefs and money trauma unconsciously, leading me into massive debt that I've recently (in the last 5 years) begun to climb my way out of. Now that I know this is a thing, it makes it so much easier to release.

Overcoming Perfectionism, an Ongoing Process

I feel like my parents were doing the best they could, just as their parents did, and so on and so forth. And I think my internal relationship with them has always mirrored that of what their own internal relationship with their parents was. And I’ve tried so hard to overcome that part of me that wants to be critical and a perfectionist. I think it’s amazing how much our lives can change when we start to understand the history of our family trauma and work on releasing it.

Meditation and Genetic Expression… the fuck?

I learned that meditation can drastically affect gene expression and can, in turn, actually change your wiring and DNA (tangentially, it’s a tad more complicated than that). I started truly meditating in January of 2021. I initially started because I was having horrible, horrible sleep, insane chronic pain, and just a fuck ton of physical and mental health issues (newsflash: part of it was my job, part my marriage, part grief, and part I have fucked-up genes). I ended up doing a sleep meditation course for individuals who needed to change their entire sleep hygiene. And guess what? Unless I drink caffeine too late, I have zero issues with sleeping now. Literally, my partner sometimes gets frustrated with how easily I fall asleep. I know now that I changed my wiring through that meditation. Now, in current time, I've been meditating for 3 years, and I can look back and see the profound change it has made on my life. I’ve unfucked my cells, I've unfucked my brain. It’s not completely unfucked, but it’s getting there. It’s wild to think that something as simple as meditating can have such a profound impact on your life.

The Damn Exercises in the Book

The exercises were also very enlightening and important. It was very interesting to look at everything that was written down. One of my core sentences that I have written down is “never enough,” which is actually something I never realized I felt so often until I looked at it on paper. I’ve literally always felt that way about everything. I felt so inadequate and felt like nothing was ever enough. That and being hated. I do not want to be hated. It is because so many members of my genetic family, were at one time hated by someone in the family.

But now I’m not thinking that. I feel more content and calm than I ever have before. This chapter (the core language of success) also really helped me to understand my family trauma history, and for the first time, I felt a piece of peace while reading this book. Because I knew I was helping to release this. It’s not my shit, and I get to get rid of it.

Moving Forward

I hope that this can help someone else who may be going through a similar journey and struggling with understanding their own internal relationship with their parents. It's a long and difficult process, but it's worth it to break the cycle and create a better future for ourselves and our children.

As Always, Much Love,

Taylor Cecelia Brook