If it doesn't vibe

then wtf is the point?

Disclaimer, I say like a lot, use the word fuck way too much, and go on a lot of digressions. Have fun!

I wrote this a WHILE ago. I’ve learned so much about myself since then but I wanted to share in hopes it helps someone else through this thought process. Also this is a little rambly and goes down a long winding road to get to the real point of the story!

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So everyone thinks of me as a giver. Like someone who gives and gives things to people, does things for people, is gracious and kind; but if you actually look at me and look at what I actually do in terms of things that would help me or others… I just want to take.

I have a problem with dishing out the stuff in return. An example of this is I want to gain multiple followers without having to do anything. Like it's just not realistic but that is my true innate desire and it sucks but it is what it is. I have to change that desire or find ways to make the desire to not put in effort, more enjoyable. But I did learn that I don't have a problem giving back when I vibe with whatever it was/is or whatever the person/thing is. I just don't vibe with the masses.

So because of that, this is where I have to find my people. I have to find my people in the hidden spaces, not in the masses; and that means reading a lot of stuff and immersing myself into what ever said thing is.

I promise this all connects together.

I commented today on a post from

Sarah Fay

, where this one person said they only follow people they really enjoy reading and I said to her yeah if if I don't Vibe, I unsubscribe. Cuz I will instantly follow and subscribe to someone but it takes me a little bit for me to know if I like the person's writing or not or if I like the person's Instagram or if I like the person's music. Like I do this with everything and I really realized that it's not a niche thing, it's just who I am. It's a character trait of me. I'm very specific about what I like and what I want and that makes sense. It has to vibe with my own personal energy vibrations. And mine are very specific vibrations. I am a specific person, that is part of my human design. I like specific things, I need to manifest very specifically. I really did not understand this about myself until recently.

I was bitching in my head about people paywalling things, but like I'm paywalling things(this was before I removed my paywall), I just want the information for free because I think I'm a special Little Snowflake. I don't want to do the work and learning that made like explosions go off in my brain.

But I used to think something was wrong with me. And here's why I thought something was wrong with me, especially when it came to my attraction to people. No no, there's nothing wrong with me, I am just oddly specific, oddly oddly specific. I need my man to look and act and talk a certain way and this is the first time I've felt any of the things that I've felt in my life. All of the feelings that I feel while having sex with D (that I still FEEL 😱😱😱😱😱), any of the feelings I feel in our emotional  connections, every moment with him, I've never experienced any of those things and I was fucking married and I thought I had the love of my life.

No No babes. I did not. Now I have that, but I didn’t before because I didn't marry that specific person that was in my brain since I was a kid. Why? Because I didn't think that was obtainable and I could never find them. Like I just thought it was a mythical being in my head. D feels like a unicorn, not that kind of unicorn folks. The thing is, I just assumed that I would never find them and so I just gave up looking. But the vision of him has been in my brain since I was a kid. The vision of what the man I'm supposed to marry looked like, acted like, talked like, in my brain since I was a little girl. Even more interesting, I do like women, but I never had a female soulmate vision and I'm also really specific about them. I have 2 types of women that I like and they are also hard to find lol.

It takes very specific things for me to have my needs met. So I know that's why when I found D, I was like “oh fuck I have to take this chance, I have to take this chance,” but I didn't know that was why I needed to take the chance. I just knew “oh my God this guy is so fucking insanely hot, like if he's got a huge cock, I have to, I have to do this like I can't let this opportunity slip through my fingers”

And I was right! HA See brain lol

Yeah it sucks because I made a shitty choice but it was right, my gut was right, and knew I needed to take that chance because my soul knew, my soul fucking knew that he was my soulmate. This was the man that I had created in my head 25 years ago, finally coming to life.

I told him this the other day and he was like “you pictured everything about me this way?”

I was like “I don't think you understand. I do mean everything”

He looks at me for a minute and follows with “even my anger issues?”

I was like “literally that's part of it.” And it's funny, because you guys are probably thinking why the fuck would you want that? But there's something about the anger that I have always found attractive. I don't know  why and it probably has something to do with my dad but I don't want to dig into that because it doesn't need to be dug.

Anyway, his blue collar skills, the fact that he was a marine, I always knew my soulmate was supposed to be a Marine. Well technically I did marry a marine the first time but this time I will be marrying the Marine my soul needs.

It's crazy, it's fucking crazy that we never crossed paths while D and Joey were in but I truly believed it was destined by the universe. Because we didn’t cross until we both moved to Oklahoma. PLUS the other reason why? Because up until that point,

you ready for this ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for this?

No one. I'm talking no one could make me come without any toys and definitely not on their own. And half the time with toys that didn't work. This was men and women and half the time I still had to picture someone else for it to happen.

Like fucking crazy right?

My whole marriage, my whole relationship with my ex, he never accomplished making me cum on his own, save for once or twice in high school and even then it was me doing all the work lol. Like I didn't have a real orgasm until I was 18. Like 18 for some people that might be like super early but whatever but anyway like shortly after college I realized I wasn't even into the sex. Like I was thinking about so many other things while we were having sex and it's hella interesting because I just thought that's how it was for everyone. And I never understood the couples where the overweight guy who is married to the short skinny girl. Like how the FUCK do they have sex with each other? How is she attracted to that? Well apparently a lot of people aren't even concerned about the visual attraction aspect when they're having sex. Which blows my brain.

I've learned that all of this is because I'm an incredibly visual person. I need to see it. I need to see them looking like how I think “perfection” looks like. Even though that's not real. And you bet your damn ass that I tried to turn my ex-husband into this person. I didn’t want it to be this way. I tried in so many ways, so many ways I tried and he just wasn't that person.

And that was a thing; he's never going to be that person in my head. There's nothing wrong with that, like he's fine just the way he is, I mean he's got some work to do just in general (don’t we all) but that's okay. I was trying to turn him into someone he's not and that's just not okay. It didn’t work because he's not meant to be that person and I lived my life unsatisfied, unhappy, and frustrated.

So the lesson here today friends, and hopefully I can help others avoid these situations in the long run, it needs to vibe and I am a very specific person and I have very specific desires. I'm very specific in my likes and wants and I need my man to look exactly how D does. Cancer Scars, anger challenges, childhood trauma, any of it and all of it. I need specifically him. He he vibes just right.

Thanks for listening/reading my rambles!

All my love,

Taylor Cecelia Brook

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