I'm a Fucking Hot Mess

& That's Fucking Okay!

My self control has been all over the place for the past 4 months.

Let's dig into that

actual live footage of me

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In May I decided to spend a whole month sober and I don’t know if I rebounded real hard in the other direction or if I'm coming up against my younger self's internal rebellion to having restrictions placed on me.

Side note,

I was a good kid, so I got away with a fucking lot. I was a good student AND a teachers pet.... so I got away with a whoooolllleeeee fucking lot. Soooo, therefore, I never really had many rules or restrictions or boundaries placed on me outside of a curfew. Like I never even got the sex talk. No my mom just shared random stories about her and dad with WAY too much detail. And I knew from a pretty young age that I came before mom and dad got married. So... you can connect the dots.

Anyway. I don't like restrictions. Even if they are self imposed. I have to actually fucking want stop consuming whatever it is.... or it has to make me feel like garbage. Only 2 ways I will flat out stop something.

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So here we are. Already in fucking September.

I'm sorry how are we less than 30 days away from the 4th quarter of the year!?!?!?!

Anyway, since June, I have had mega self control/discipline challenges with weed, food, alcohol, emotions. Like the whole fucking nine yards.

I want to fucking argue again 😤

I am smoking so much... not as much as 18mos ago Taylor but still more that I think is beneficial to me.

I'm DRINKING?!?!

Like I don't fucking do that. The fucking Simply Spiked Limeades have crack in them I swear. But I've been CRAVING alcohol so much the last 2 months.

The last time I experienced this with alcohol was after my honeymoon with my ex husband. It was a Sandals all inclusive resort. I woke up drinking and went to bed drinking.

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Side note: Italian coffees are absolutely fucking delightful. And the sweet chef at the French Cafe at the Montego Bay resort in Jamaica, made the best crepes I've ever had in my entire life.

Ever.

I've eaten a lot of crepes.

They even snuck alcohol in the desert ones!!!!

Oh my god I'm literally salivating right now 🤣🤣 🤤🤤🤤

Ok back on track of the digression I went on

I had free and total access to alcohol the entire time and I of course took advantage of it. And that desire/craving for alcohol after the trip lasted like all of 2 months and then I was really poor again.... so that went poof. And I haven't had this intense craving since then.

Until now.

Time Out.

I'm writing this in bed on my phone and I'm high as fuck and so God damn tired. But like it's only 9:15 PM and my silly body has a very particular clock; so I will be up at an ungodly hour instead of my usual 6 if I were to go to bed right now. So I have to stay up to at least 10 PM. Otherwise I get stuck and sucked into the too early bedtime cycle. But ya, I want to just close my eyes but I can't and I also really need to get this out of my brain while it's here because it may not vibe the same in the AM

I decided not to edit that out because well I’m hilarious lol

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Anyway,

On top of alcohol

I'm smoking a ton of weed.

Again. Not like it was before.

Full honesty time. I share this in hopes that someone else out there feels less alone in their period of life.

***18mos ago Taylor would wake up with D and D would get Iz to school and I would get dressed and we would smoke a blunt while drinking out energy drinks.

this was the vibe just more adultish

And then we smoked at work. When I ran Lilys List.... God I hate saying this; I smoked a lot during the day. I even had to put in a rule that I could only smoke after lunch and I would do creative projects then. And then I smoked basically until I went to sleep. Joints bongs pens. You name it I was using it.

Now once this time last year rolled around, both D and I where slightly disgusted and grossed out by our over use. So we decided to start cutting back. And slowly but surely we did. And then come May of this year and I decided to cold turkey stop smoking for a whole fucking month.

It was definitely intense and difficult at first but I was happy that I accomplished it. However, I didn’t notice a ton of difference. If I were to do this again, I would want to log a daily journal of everything I did, motivation, ability to accomplish tasks and self care items, etc. I would want to record all of that before I went sober and then during.

Anyway,

The path to smoking more was weird because the up kick after snuck up on me. At first I was doing fab because my tolerance was blown again. Which was amazing. And then the high stopped coming as well or as quickly. So I started smoking more. Buttttt we did put in a rule of no smoking until after work.

And I was doing amazing until D had to go on some work trips. And it's like all the rules about smoking went out the window without him there watching me. Apparently I need a chaperone. On the days I was home working, it was a battle every day and I would lose one day, win one day, and tie one day. And I kept getting frustrated by it. The cycle just kept repeating itself every time he would go out of town.

But I can't seem to stop this cycle.

And so instead of trying to get to the root of this. I chose to prove to myself that I can do good shit while high 🙄 sometimes I swear. Butttt I was getting shit done when it was a controlled reward. Which I also think is unhealthy probs. Like when I accomplished x tasks I could have 1/3 of a joint or 12 minutes with a bong/pipe.

And so here we are in September and I'm still not where I want to be. I'm so tired of wanting to be high. Like what makes this moment right here so much better sober than high? Like what. What?

What sucks is it's so good for my weird stomach queasiness and for forgetting about physical pain... mainly migraines. I don’t use migraine meds because the migraines are more stress and tension related. So again my coocoo brain is holding me hostage.

But the self control is fucked.

Even emotionally. For most of my life, I held my emotions captive, chained in a safe in the deepest recesses of my brain.

Holy Shit Thanks AI this is perf!

But now I am allowing them to surface.

The problem with that is:

• I can be hella petty

• I LOVE to argue and be right

• I can be really fucking mean

• I'm very very very emotional (hello I am a Pisces)

So what does this mean? It means instead of taking some deep breaths, taking a second to process the situation, and responding... I'm reacting. I'm coming at D. I'm snippy with Lu, I've literally had to bite my tongue lately to not say stupid passive aggressive shit to D. This is NOT a good time for me to be acting this way. And I'm so desperately trying to reign it all back in. But I cannot find the root of this.

I also had a strange mini set back with food. Which turned out to be helpful because we were finally able to start unfucking all of that in therapy. But it's gunna take quite a few sessions. The body dysmorphia runs soooo deep. Almost cellular. So getting to them and healing it takes time. So I've been eating in ways I'm not super happy with. And I'm craving sugar/sour/anything like that.

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Fuck my eyes are closing while typing rn lol

⭐⭐⭐Fun fact I will literally fall asleep while in the middle of a conversation. Ask D. He'll tell ya. Kind of impressive right?? Lolol

And my eyes also kind of have a mild burn watery thing going on from the vitamin e oil I put on my lashes. I'm a hot mess.

Another authentic moment brought to you by Taylor

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But what's super interesting is

• My anxiety is SUPER down like almost non existent.

• My OCD is really calm.

• My money handling is progressing in a positive direction continuously.

Normally when I'm stressed the above three go fucking off the rails.

So I'm lost. I'm so confused

And now

We, being a mentor of mine, are waiting for her building to sell and my unemployment to arrive so I can go work for her part time doing clerical stuff and social media/marketing.

So I feel like I'm just twiddling my thumbs waiting for the universe to do it's thing so I can step into the next thing.

But I feel like my vibration is holding shit back.

And I can't get out of it

More Live Footage of Taylor (she does actually kind of look like my mom lol)

So I'm self sabotaging

Internal Self Realization happening in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

Oh god. It's my thermometer. It really doesn't want me to go through.

But is it?

This is where my woo brain butts heads with my analytical brain (shocking right? Ya I'm a data nerd). Cuz like what if it's something entirely different or nothing at all and I'm just all up in my head.

Or what if it's all of the above.

There are too many fucking decisions in life and I'm so tired of NEEEEEEDINNGGG to understand every nook and cranny of something.

And I'm tired of having to make decisions lol I just hate it. So much so that I have a decision wheel. But what's weird is this only applies to my personal life. When I have a job I have zero issues making decisions. I don't have an issue making decisions about my children and their best interests. Just me.

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What do we think caused that?!

I'm assuming that comes from something within childhood because this has been an issue for my entire adult life. It was like I turned 18 and my ability to make decisions went poof along with my ignorance. Fucked year that was.

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Anyways,

I guess the TLDR is: life is hard right now and I am struggling with control/self discipline.

If you have some tips or advice or suggestions or encouragement or really anything; I'd love to hear it. Obviously I'll be talking to my therapist about this. Sucks cuz I'll have to tell her about the weed and she was so happy I stopped 🙄

Blahhhhh what is with my brain and hating being just me?

Ok I think we've reached the end of any real substance on this discussion today lol

So I am signing off!

Much love to you all and thank you for reading.

Taylor Cecelia Brook

P.S. Find me funny? Relate to my work? It would me the world if you chose to subscribe, share, comment, or recommend my publication! You will have my eternal gratitude.

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I’m happy to report as of 9/20 (wrote this a week ago), We have not only implemented a path to quitting weed for a long time, for us both, I’m no longer obsessing over alcohol, AND I have a mother fucking job!!