Where you can find Nur and all of his publications:
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and we are back with the curiosity chronicles and today i have the pleasure of a
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wonderful guest who writes the humbled or humbling is it humbled or humbling the
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narcissist humbling the narcissist okay okay and would you please properly uh
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pronounce your name so i don't screw it up horrible yeah hi i'm nor nadar but you
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can call me nor
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Okay, wonderful, wonderful.
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And for the people out there who have no idea who you are,
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can you just like give them a brief overview of like who you are and what you do
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and how you found,
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how you know me?
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Yeah, sure.
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So hi, everybody.
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I am a fellow Substackian with Taylor over here.
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That's also how we ended up meeting.
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I run a blog called Humbling the Narcissist, which is essentially a
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Personal essays throughout my life and situations I've encountered,
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whether they were embarrassing,
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shameful,
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inspiring,
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whatever,
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then what I learned from them and how I think other people can learn from my story.
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And I've been doing this for, I want to say,
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around six years now,
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but I've only started Substack for about four months and it's been a really fun,
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it's been a really fun project so far.
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We also just launched the Wolf Stack, which I'm super excited for.
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Yes, I love it so much.
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It's so great.
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Thank you.
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I appreciate that.
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And Wolf Stack is just like, it's a fun thing since the other one is so heavy.
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Wolf Stack is just like this opportunity to be a little silly.
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I feature a certain set amount of dogs every week,
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and it's just a set array of pictures of them looking super cute with little silly
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verbs that I write.
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And I'm actually excited because we, when I say we, I just, I don't know why I say we.
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I think it's just a collective term that people use.
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It just sounds better sometimes.
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And I think,
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I don't know about you,
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but I was drilled into me for a long time that we were not allowed to use I in
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anything we write.
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That's a good point.
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That's a very good point.
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Because yesterday when I sent the thing out,
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I was reading it and I'm like the whole time,
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like we at Wolfsack.
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And I was like, who the hell are we?
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You and Bear.
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Yeah, that's a good answer, honestly.
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The cool thing that came of it is somebody reached out who works at like an animal
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shelter and they're like,
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it's a no-kill shelter and we just had puppies.
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Would you be...
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Would you like to feature them on, like, next week or the week after?
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Like, dude, I'd love that.
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That's such a cool... That's amazing!
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Yeah, it's a silly little project that kind of blossomed into this, so it's such a cool idea so far.
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Oh, I fucking love that.
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Yeah, me too, man.
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I'm really having fun with it.
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That's so cool.
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I read the... I read your first, like, newsletter today, and it was just so much fun.
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Like,
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I'm gonna be honest,
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it's like a true,
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like,
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drop of sunshine right into your newsfeed,
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and it was so...
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lovely and oh yeah puppies it's puppies what could you what could go wrong with
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more dogs like i know man i know everybody was like giving me feedback that oh this
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was like the happiest or the only happy news that i got i know man me too i was so
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pumped about it oh yeah my inbox is like
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full of just like so much self-help shit,
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so much writing tips,
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all of this,
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it's just,
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I realized there's not much humor in my actual inbox.
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So I gotta work on that.
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It's like, there's some people who call themselves like comedians.
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Well, there's some good ones on Substack.
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I'm not trying to shit on anyone.
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There's some that say they're humor.
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And like, I read it and I'm like, this is the dumbest shit I've ever seen in like all week, so.
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I don't know.
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I'm trying to find a balance there,
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but everything is mostly heavy or like that time when this terrible thing happened
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to me as a child.
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Let's take a step back.
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I feel that.
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Yeah, for real, man.
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Yeah, it's definitely, definitely, uh,
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know we've had some interesting i know you've had some interesting things happen in
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your life just based off of what i've learned from your newsletters but i'm sure
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there is a whole lot there that we could dig into but i feel like that probably is
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going to be like one of those things that needs way more time than we have is that
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correct
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I mean, to a certain extent, I can start off by telling you this though.
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I just finished rereading it.
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So Taylor and I found this incredible book independently.
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we've talked about a lot called i think it's adult children of emotionally immature
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parents by i don't remember her name but it's such such a good book it's one of
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those books where like you've had these thoughts before but you've never been able
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to articulate them but then here's just a manual of how to do all of that and it's
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so refreshing man it's such a breath of fresh air
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Lindsay Gibson is the author.
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Lindsay Gibson.
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She's brilliant, man.
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She really gives you all the tools and all the correct vocabulary to deal with it so well.
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I don't think I'm going to read the other ones because they seem kind of like
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they're rehashes or more broad self-help books.
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So I'm not really super interested in going to that direction.
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yeah i would say it's not really really worth it i read them i read one of them and
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it was like you said rehashing pretty much and then a lot of generic like
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self-help which is fine but that's not what i was looking for when i when i was
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reading those books so you know i wasn't even that was like my first step into
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venturing into trying to unfuck that's a good that's a good starting point though
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because
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i think i came across it at a later point like i'm at the point now and i know this
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isn't necessarily true but if you find a self-help book after reading so many of
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them like it's harder to be it's harder to be really drawn to certain ones because
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you feel like it's just a different person saying the same thing in different words
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you know yeah and they're just like cool it's a cool rehash like maybe it's a good
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review but that's not what i'm looking for right now yeah
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yeah exactly i'm um go ahead i was just talking to so i just wanted to make a point
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that i was talking to you know maggie john your friend yeah yeah yeah so i was
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talking to her last night about how with wolf stack one of the things i like is
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What I,
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the personal essays I write at the end of the day are kind of like rehashing trauma
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a little bit.
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So every time you write them or we write them, it becomes emotionally draining.
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So there's definitely, yeah, you're the last person I have to tell you.
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I know exactly how that feels.
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It's like this whole emotionally draining and like it's a battle.
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It really is.
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And I feel that way with some of the self-help books that actually are really good.
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like I feel like if they called me out in particular I'm like okay I can only do
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two pages today the rest can wait for later yes that that's that's literally how I
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feel while reading the body keeps the score I'm just like oh my god I can't handle
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I can't handle this there's so many things that's um I want to read that that's a
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bigger book right
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yeah i'm literally staring at it and it's like a harry potter size like one of the
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first harry potter sizes i oh i just assumed that you read harry potter well i i i
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didn't read them but i'm familiar with the like sizes i think body keep this yeah i
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know i think water keeps the scores like five to six hundred isn't it pages yeah
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here i could just look and literally i have like a stack of six books i read them
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all at the same time
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Hell yeah, dude.
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Not literally like opening.
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I think you know what I mean.
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I mean, maybe you could be a magician for all I know.
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God, that'd be so fucking cool if I could just read.
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Yeah, it would be.
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Although I did download this app because I totally got hooked on it from one of my
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stupid phone money games that I play.
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It's like a micro learning app.
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I, what's the name of it?
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I think it's called Headway.
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Yeah, I've seen those before.
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I've seen Headway and there's another one that I heard is pretty good,
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but I can't think of the name right now.
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That's where they like summarize books kind of.
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yeah yeah so okay so i the i have the larger uh hardback book with small print so
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it might be different in different sizes and prints and stuff but the all the way
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if you go all the way to the very very end like go through the appendix
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acknowledgement index all of that there is 443 pages okay
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Yeah, it's not awful.
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Yeah, it's still pretty substantial.
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Dude, I'm...
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it's like i have that book actually on kindle but i have this thing where i'll
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always see a book on kindle and i'm like oh this is awesome and there's always some
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sort of deal on the one amazon where it's on sale or like for this price and i'm
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like oh i'm definitely gonna read this so i buy it but then i look at my kindle
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library later and i have a hundred books and like six of them have been read i'm
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like hmm maybe this isn't such a great investment
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So I,
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that's why I just started using the library because like it forces me to kind of
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read them a little bit faster than I probably would because I hate getting all the
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emails from the library.
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Right.
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But also it is sitting in front of me and I don't have to spend any money and I
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can't keep it in my house,
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which is even better.
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I don't need more things on my house.
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So yeah.
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when i went to um when i moved from boston to new york two years ago i
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had,
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I think,
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13 boxes of books and I was being very ambitious thinking it was going to fit in
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like my smaller New York apartment.
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The second I got there, I started having like this panic attack.
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I was like, I don't want to sell all these.
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I don't know what to do.
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Yeah.
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But ultimately,
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yeah,
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ultimately I just went to,
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I went to a gold goodwill type place and just dumped them off.
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But it was the hardest thing I've ever done, man.
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I was looking at them and I was just like, no.
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yeah i i donated a few i donated a few of my books that i couldn't sell to like
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libraries and stuff but i every time we moved because my ex-husband was in the
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marine corps every time we moved we like i tried to get rid of more books it was
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just so hard and yeah it is really hard yeah it's just so hard and so like the
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worst was textbooks though because like
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yeah but now they're outdated so no one's buying them oh that's a good point i
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never even thought about that yeah yeah because if you don't sell it or like if you
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don't rent or something if you don't sell it right away it's completely like
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useless it depreciates almost within like a year and a half because there's a new
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version almost every year right yes it's so fucking annoying dude it's such a
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bullshit industry man they know what they're doing yeah
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I remember I was, I wasn't even like, like I, so I started out in school as a biology major.
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Okay.
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And my textbooks used for something about like 200 some dollars.
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And when I, all my science textbooks, like every semester I'd spend like a thousand dollars.
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Yep.
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Yep.
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ultimately i ended up switching to philosophy which is a really hard right turn but
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those books were aged like 15 bucks you could go to a used store and just buy them
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somewhere there it was beautiful man it was like a dream come true oh my gosh that
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that that is a very hard right turn what why were you what propelled you to do
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biology and then what caused the shift to philosophy
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So as a kid,
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I always had this like romanticized idea of what it would be like to be a scientist,
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either a scientist or a doctor.
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It was always very ambitious.
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Yeah.
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I always thought it'd be really like something that I very quickly found out after
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two years that that's not at all what I want to do.
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Yeah.
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Especially like,
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I'm so glad I'm not,
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um,
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I didn't go this science route in particular because I right now work,
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I've worked at several biotech,
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I'm a consultant and I worked at several biotech companies.
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And each time you see what the scientists do and it's like,
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they're in this like little roped off area in the lab and they're always standing
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on their feet for so much time of day and everything they're doing seems so tedious.
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And I'm like, thank God this is not the wizard I was.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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Oh, no, I completely relate to that.
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Did you go to college?
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I don't really know that about you.
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Yeah, yeah.
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So I don't know if I'm – wow, that's a really good point.
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I don't know if I've talked about that very much.
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So, yes, I went to college.
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I have a Bachelor's of Arts in Psychology that I got from a very expensive –
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university in california um but i only i graduated in three years so that
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definitely saved me thirty thousand dollars that's awesome though good for you yeah
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yeah and i was on a vocal and instrumental and academic scholarship
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Man, who am I talking to?
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It's not like they were large or anything, but I mean, it did happen.
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That's super impressive, man.
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Good for you.
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Oh, thank you.
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Thank you.
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I really appreciate it.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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And I also have a master's in organizational leadership and management.
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Badass.
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Good for you.
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Thank you.
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Is that, is that like an MBA or is it something else?
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So it's a masters of science.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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Cause I did the,
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I did the,
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the like strategic data analytical side of it instead of like the,
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you know,
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more
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philosophical side of it like a master's yeah to be honest like i mean it's it's a
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good degree to have but there's so much for me like my my kryptonite is math and i
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feel like there's gonna be so much math and everything like that involved i'm much
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more of a i don't know what the opposite of it but i'm whatever the opposite of
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math is that's what i'm
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Yeah, like a lot more of an artsy, philosophical kind of thinker.
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I remember in philosophy major programs, you always have to take logic courses.
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It's one of the requirements to graduate with a philosophy major.
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So I was very close to a lot of my professors because I was that annoying kid.
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Were you a teacher's pet too?
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Oh, fuck yeah, dude.
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Are you kidding?
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Yeah, yeah, me too.
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My whole fucking life.
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And it's really funny because I ended up with a man who's like the complete polar opposite of that.
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That makes sense.
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Yeah.
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Way to be a stereotype, bro.
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Right, right.
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I know.
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I'd rather be a stereotype than the shitty end of a statistic.
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Like I've been for a lot of my life.
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That was a really good answer.
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Wow.
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That came out so smoothly too.
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I was like, good for you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Sometimes I'm smart.
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Hey man, I'm sure it's more than sometimes, but so you have to take logic courses and logic.
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Like once you get into the meat of logic, it's very like notation based.
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So it's like working with symbols.
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And at that point, everyone who has sort of a more math,
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background so like um in our philosophy program we also offered a major that was
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it's not a double major it's one major called philosophy and physics and to be good
(00:17:01):
at physics you have to be really good at math so i knew a lot of those people and
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they killed it at logic whereas everybody who was just quote unquote just a
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philosophy major was um terrible at it
(00:17:15):
I talked to one of the professors who was like,
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he was more like the philosophy of science kind of thing.
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So he was more math and like game theory oriented.
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And he told me that's always the case.
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He's like,
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I think it's because in philosophy you think more conceptually and abstractly and it's,
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it doesn't lend so well to like logical notation or being good at logic.
(00:17:38):
Yeah.
(00:17:39):
Yeah.
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So I've never excelled at that sort of school of thought.
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I just like to think I'm smarter at other things, and that's what I tell myself to get by.
(00:17:53):
So I completely know what you're talking about because there's the exact same issue
(00:17:58):
in psychology majors because like most of it is all like it's a social science.
(00:18:06):
But there is a lot of research done and research requires data and data typically involves math.
(00:18:15):
Oh, that's a good point.
(00:18:16):
I never really thought of it that way.
(00:18:17):
yeah so you have to take um like research specific statistics classes or at least
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mine my bachelor's you did my major um and most of the people in those classes are
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not math people at all like psychology is the easy major
(00:18:44):
I actually wish I took more psychology classes.
(00:18:47):
It's like now I'm obviously super into it,
(00:18:49):
but it would have been interesting to learn more about like in school,
(00:18:53):
they,
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they teach you more about,
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I feel like.
(00:18:56):
um like carl jung and like alfred adler and you know that you get to learn a lot
(00:19:03):
about like the history of psychology and i don't know if you know this but like
(00:19:07):
philosophy ultimately is it still is what it is but it ultimately branched off into
(00:19:14):
so many different fields like
(00:19:16):
philosophy turned into like philosophy keeps going in a straight line that it
(00:19:19):
branches part of it branches off to physics a part of it branched off into what
(00:19:24):
became psychology so they're very like intertwined so i always did want to learn
(00:19:28):
more about it yeah does it does it i'm sure it intertwines with like anthropology
(00:19:34):
then
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yeah i would say like people ask me like there's on sub stack in particular there's
(00:19:41):
people who like to argue and say like not to me because i try my best not to get
(00:19:45):
involved in these but i i always see people saying like you're not a philosopher
(00:19:49):
you're not this or you're not that oh my god why do you why do you care so much
(00:19:54):
exactly like why do you care so much yeah like why do you care about being called
(00:19:58):
this label like to me if you want to call yourself a philosopher
(00:20:02):
All you have to do is be someone who questions things.
(00:20:06):
It's not that hard.
(00:20:07):
You don't have to have this X,
(00:20:11):
Y,
(00:20:11):
and Z of everything that makes you...
(00:20:14):
Someone said the other day that if you don't argue your points with other people on Substack,
(00:20:20):
then you're not a philosopher.
(00:20:21):
What the fuck?
(00:20:23):
That's so stupid.
(00:20:25):
I'd rather eat 50 ghost peppers than argue with people on Substack.
(00:20:29):
They have nothing good to say.
(00:20:31):
I would not want to do that.
(00:20:34):
The fuck?
(00:20:35):
There's a dark side to that site, man.
(00:20:38):
Everyone likes to talk about how it's so harmonious.
(00:20:41):
And it is.
(00:20:41):
Don't get me wrong.
(00:20:42):
It is very supportive.
(00:20:47):
I like to see it as everybody's in a similar situation where on Substack,
(00:20:53):
no matter what you are otherwise,
(00:20:54):
you're kind of a struggling artist trying to make it.
(00:20:57):
which is awesome i think like having a community is great but yeah there's still so
(00:21:02):
many shitty people god the things i've been called on there just because of like my
(00:21:08):
notes or my posts are crazy somebody told me that i am dangerously and arrogantly
(00:21:15):
stupid
(00:21:17):
Dude, I was so happy, man.
(00:21:20):
How did they even come to that conclusion?
(00:21:21):
Like, what prompted them to say that?
(00:21:23):
Because I made a joke that involved a chimpanzee in one of my... This was one of my first notes ever.
(00:21:28):
It was like a joke about monkeys.
(00:21:31):
And she restacked my note and she wrote like five paragraphs responding to me.
(00:21:37):
And about how...
(00:21:39):
we as a society,
(00:21:40):
and I'm the representative,
(00:21:42):
are too stupid to realize how sensitive and smart these creatures are.
(00:21:46):
I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?
(00:21:49):
That's fucking ridiculous.
(00:21:51):
Yeah,
(00:21:51):
dude,
(00:21:52):
there's some times when I'm on there and I'm just like,
(00:21:55):
all right,
(00:21:55):
I'm just going to shut this tab and go on with my life.
(00:21:59):
Yeah, yeah, I feel like so.
(00:22:01):
That's kind of how I felt for a long time about Reddit because for a long,
(00:22:06):
a good portion of my life,
(00:22:07):
I was,
(00:22:08):
you know,
(00:22:08):
a very heavy Reddit user.
(00:22:09):
Did you stop feeling that way about Reddit at any point?
(00:22:13):
Yes.
(00:22:14):
Oh, you did?
(00:22:15):
Okay.
(00:22:16):
Yeah, eventually it just, like, became kind of this, like,
(00:22:21):
holding... I felt like it became, like, this holding site for trolls.
(00:22:25):
And, like, every now and then there are some genuine things, but for the most part, like...
(00:22:30):
it wasn't the same but i i also could be my own personal like investment into the
(00:22:35):
platform i see what you're okay no i thought sorry when i said do you still feel
(00:22:41):
that way i thought you were saying like reddit redeemed itself but no i oh no i
(00:22:46):
agree with you a thousand percent i um a lot of a lot of time when i'd waste time
(00:22:51):
ever since i was i want to say like 21 to now i'd either go on like back then it
(00:22:56):
was dig.com was really popular
(00:22:59):
But then it kind of destroyed itself and Reddit took over.
(00:23:03):
And I'd always go on one of those websites,
(00:23:05):
but like,
(00:23:06):
it wasn't like,
(00:23:07):
I still like looking at Reddit except I just do not go to the comments.
(00:23:13):
The second I go to the comment section, it's over, dude.
(00:23:16):
It's so bad.
(00:23:17):
It's, it's so bad.
(00:23:19):
And like,
(00:23:20):
honestly,
(00:23:20):
the only time I read comments is when I'm going into a super niche,
(00:23:26):
like craft section.
(00:23:28):
or makeup or nail community where like there's very little that people can get in
(00:23:34):
fights over and it's primarily female and while they can be the most of the females
(00:23:40):
on reddit aren't like that yeah i could i could see that and like yeah
(00:23:47):
being going into the comments and reddit if you that's only like if you're
(00:23:51):
chronically online and that's the site you use i think in your head you could very
(00:23:55):
easily convince yourself that the world is literally on fire right now like if you
(00:24:00):
step one side you'll die it's really bad man
(00:24:04):
Oh, the catastrophizing that happens on there is disgusting.
(00:24:08):
It's so bad.
(00:24:09):
And it's just,
(00:24:10):
like,
(00:24:10):
these people,
(00:24:11):
like,
(00:24:11):
there's also these,
(00:24:12):
you know,
(00:24:13):
there's so many,
(00:24:13):
like,
(00:24:14):
relationship advice and,
(00:24:16):
like,
(00:24:17):
am I the asshole and stuff.
(00:24:18):
Oh, yeah, yeah.
(00:24:19):
I'm always thinking you're coming to these people for relationship advice.
(00:24:23):
Right, right.
(00:24:24):
Every single person is like, I like my partner did this minor thing.
(00:24:30):
Like, what should I do?
(00:24:31):
And the top voted comments is always like file for divorce.
(00:24:38):
What are you doing, man?
(00:24:40):
It's just, it's bizarre.
(00:24:41):
Yeah, for sure.
(00:24:43):
It's, it's, it's really quite interesting.
(00:24:47):
Like, I think that was the first site that really is funny that it took that long.
(00:24:54):
but i think that was the first site that really opened my eyes to how many
(00:24:59):
different people there are out there yeah and that's a lot i was talking to um
(00:25:07):
I started,
(00:25:08):
so something I've always wanted to do in my life is like start a men's group,
(00:25:14):
which is- Is that what that other sub stack is?
(00:25:17):
That's exactly what it is, yeah.
(00:25:19):
And I have to be very particular.
(00:25:21):
You remind me of Jake Peralta from Brooklyn Nine-Nine because he always says, cool, cool, cool, cool.
(00:25:26):
Oh, yeah, no.
(00:25:27):
He's, like, one of my fucking favorite people.
(00:25:29):
Oh, hell yeah.
(00:25:30):
Okay.
(00:25:32):
Andy Samberg is, like, one of my favorite comedians all time.
(00:25:35):
Hell yeah.
(00:25:36):
I just finished watching that show.
(00:25:38):
It's so goddamn good, man.
(00:25:39):
I love it.
(00:25:39):
It's so good.
(00:25:40):
It's so fucking good.
(00:25:42):
It really is.
(00:25:43):
But anyway, back on track.
(00:25:44):
So I...
(00:25:47):
i hesitate with saying this i'm always very careful because my like requirements to
(00:25:52):
joining this thing was absolutely like don't bash women and don't um don't
(00:25:59):
generally talk because that's not what i'm interested in and now when you hear
(00:26:03):
men's groups you're thinking of like incels or like people calling themselves
(00:26:08):
alphas or sigmas and it has such a negative connotation it's so funny because the
(00:26:12):
first thing i think of when i hear men's groups is i think church groups
(00:26:16):
Because I spent so much time in that realm.
(00:26:20):
Interesting.
(00:26:21):
Yeah.
(00:26:21):
Oh, yeah.
(00:26:21):
That was a whole giant portion of my life for a long time.
(00:26:24):
We're going to come back to this because I am going to pick at you.
(00:26:27):
Go for it.
(00:26:28):
I'm an open book with everything.
(00:26:30):
Okay.
(00:26:31):
So what we did is,
(00:26:33):
like,
(00:26:33):
I just wanted a place for,
(00:26:34):
like,
(00:26:35):
vulnerable masculinity where,
(00:26:36):
like,
(00:26:37):
guys who are good dudes but,
(00:26:38):
like,
(00:26:39):
they don't feel like they have that brotherhood or they don't have the...
(00:26:43):
they don't people in their lives men in particular who they're comfortable talking
(00:26:48):
about certain things with so i put together like this bigger community than on
(00:26:53):
monday we had our first kind of get together i can't say like who's in it or what
(00:26:57):
we talked about but yeah i like to keep it all anonymous but like we had a really
(00:27:02):
good turnout and everybody was so thoughtful and respectful and it was incredible
(00:27:08):
i'm so happy that we did it
(00:27:10):
Yeah, man, I'm pumped about it.
(00:27:14):
I used to be sober.
(00:27:16):
I think I dabbled in sobriety, I'll say.
(00:27:19):
I know what you mean, though.
(00:27:21):
I took a month off from smoking.
(00:27:24):
Yeah, there you go.
(00:27:26):
For me, it was drinking.
(00:27:29):
I was handling my emotions through drinking.
(00:27:34):
Yeah, yeah.
(00:27:35):
Like I...
(00:27:37):
I got to a point where I feel like I couldn't, it's not even that I couldn't feel happy.
(00:27:40):
I couldn't even really feel that sad.
(00:27:42):
And,
(00:27:42):
but like when I would drink,
(00:27:44):
it would get me to like this depressed state where I couldn't access normally.
(00:27:49):
And I was really enjoying that part too.
(00:27:51):
And it was just terrible for me at the time.
(00:27:53):
Yeah.
(00:27:54):
And I read some of your newsletters about that kind of stuff.
(00:27:57):
Yeah, absolutely.
(00:27:58):
And I started to go to AA and I loved the group aspect.
(00:28:04):
I loved having a group and I loved being able to get people's numbers and actually
(00:28:09):
build these friendships because as I tell a lot of people,
(00:28:14):
I love the idea of somebody giving me their number and saying,
(00:28:18):
text me or call me if you're ever going through something.
(00:28:20):
Because in my head, my first reaction is, fuck no, I'm never going to do that.
(00:28:24):
Yeah.
(00:28:26):
i'm trying to sort of break that barrier sorry i just like i know with the instant
(00:28:34):
feeling i know exactly how that feels yeah you're just like yeah dude for sure i'll
(00:28:38):
definitely do that and i'm um i just realized ultimately that like like the at
(00:28:48):
least the groups i went to it just started to feel very
(00:28:51):
called tea and it started like people were trying to integrate the bible into it
(00:28:56):
and i'm like not what i signed up for bro this isn't what i wanted at all and then
(00:29:01):
i yeah it's terrible and i also started to realize that one of my issues with going
(00:29:06):
full sobriety is like if i had a quote unquote setback or i what's it called
(00:29:14):
there's a word for this
(00:29:17):
All right, let's just call it setback, whatever.
(00:29:19):
Oh, relapse, relapse.
(00:29:21):
If I quote unquote relapsed,
(00:29:23):
then all of a sudden,
(00:29:24):
like the weight of that term is like all of your hard work is gone.
(00:29:28):
Yes, I actually recently listened to this in an audio book called Rewire.
(00:29:33):
I'll get the author.
(00:29:34):
She was literally talking about that,
(00:29:36):
how we how we set ourselves up for failure when we choose to like just stop.
(00:29:45):
There's a good portion of us that that's just going to set us up to.
(00:29:50):
Repeating the same cycle over and over again and never improving.
(00:29:54):
No, I agree a hundred percent.
(00:29:56):
And for me,
(00:29:57):
like there's,
(00:29:58):
whenever I did like have a sip or something,
(00:30:00):
I'd be like,
(00:30:01):
so you're saying all the stuff I just did for these months is gone.
(00:30:04):
And that's how you're treated too.
(00:30:06):
And I was just like, this isn't for me, man.
(00:30:09):
Like, I just, I don't feel like this is such this big moment.
(00:30:13):
So I also like,
(00:30:14):
I don't really drink that much,
(00:30:15):
but I don't really call myself sober either because the opposite of sober is
(00:30:20):
relapsing and,
(00:30:21):
or what I,
(00:30:22):
or
(00:30:23):
being called a drunk or if you don't go to AA and you're not sober, you get called a dry drunk.
(00:30:28):
It's just, I don't know.
(00:30:30):
It's just too many black and white sort of terminology.
(00:30:37):
I didn't like the way they thought.
(00:30:38):
But I love the group aspect.
(00:30:41):
And I love sort of how AA did have gender groups.
(00:30:45):
And I love the fact that there were certain men talking about things that I'd never heard men talk about.
(00:30:50):
Yes.
(00:30:52):
I've learned a lot about men's groups in my own studies and I just kind of wanted to recreate that vibe.
(00:30:57):
And we just had that on Monday and then Wolf stack yesterday.
(00:31:01):
Then this today, it's been a good week, man.
(00:31:04):
I'm happy.
(00:31:09):
I fucking love that for you,
(00:31:10):
though,
(00:31:10):
because I know you've been kind of,
(00:31:12):
you were at a point where you were just kind of,
(00:31:14):
like,
(00:31:15):
struggling a little bit.
(00:31:16):
You were in one of those,
(00:31:17):
like,
(00:31:17):
lower times,
(00:31:18):
which,
(00:31:19):
again,
(00:31:20):
so it's really awesome to hear that,
(00:31:22):
like,
(00:31:23):
there's just a lot of great things happening on your horizon.
(00:31:26):
Thank you, man.
(00:31:26):
I appreciate it.
(00:31:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
(00:31:28):
Yeah, I mean, I get it.
(00:31:32):
Having things to look forward to is important.
(00:31:35):
It's huge.
(00:31:36):
It's huge.
(00:31:38):
I think even if it's an Amazon package coming to your door, man, you need something to anticipate.
(00:31:44):
Otherwise, life just gets dull.
(00:31:47):
I'll tell you about how I got it.
(00:31:50):
No, I'll just tell you right now, actually.
(00:31:52):
I'm going to tell you a story,
(00:31:54):
but let's give some background because you asked me about this,
(00:31:57):
I think,
(00:31:57):
two weeks ago or last week.
(00:31:59):
About what I do for my career.
(00:32:01):
Oh, yes.
(00:32:02):
That was literally on my little notes that I wrote of questions I could potentially ask you.
(00:32:06):
Because I was like, how the fuck do you even get there?
(00:32:09):
That sounds cool as shit.
(00:32:11):
Thank you, man.
(00:32:12):
It's interesting.
(00:32:15):
It can be interesting.
(00:32:16):
It can be boring.
(00:32:17):
So when you first start out,
(00:32:19):
You're called like a contract administrator, which is very boring.
(00:32:23):
Cause like you get contracts templates and it's a lot of plug and play.
(00:32:27):
Like you get a contract and there's a lot of blank spaces in it and you just kind
(00:32:31):
of fill it out to put in the other person's information and then you send it to somebody,
(00:32:37):
you send it up to somebody who will actually like negotiate it or do whatever it is.
(00:32:42):
So I had I had a best friend at Northeastern where I went to school and
(00:32:47):
Northeastern school because it's a five year school because for one year you have
(00:32:52):
to go on a co-op or like a paid internship.
(00:32:55):
So, yeah, it's awesome.
(00:32:57):
And they have a lot of really good connections.
(00:33:00):
So one of my this kid I'm talking about what did his co-op at Oracle, which is a tech.
(00:33:05):
Oh, yeah.
(00:33:06):
Yeah.
(00:33:07):
Yeah.
(00:33:07):
Yeah.
(00:33:07):
So he did it at Oracle office in Irvine.
(00:33:12):
Oh yeah, hell yeah.
(00:33:15):
Is that their main one?
(00:33:16):
I think it might be.
(00:33:17):
I think it's their main one because I had a friend who him and his brother,
(00:33:21):
it was my friend's husband,
(00:33:24):
him and his brother worked there.
(00:33:26):
Is Redwood Forest near Irvine?
(00:33:28):
No, not even close.
(00:33:31):
I don't know shit about the West Coast.
(00:33:32):
Yeah, they're on like the opposite sides of California.
(00:33:35):
Redwood is north, NorCal.
(00:33:38):
Oh, I didn't know that actually.
(00:33:40):
Yeah, yeah.
(00:33:41):
there must be Irvine then I'm trying there's there might have been a specific name
(00:33:45):
it's like Emerald City but like that's just the name of Oracle's headquarters
(00:33:50):
because it's so big yeah so there's this huge portion of Irvine that's all these
(00:33:56):
like it's like a mini Silicon Valley type thing for like inland
(00:34:03):
Southern California because it's, you can still technically get to the beach, but not really.
(00:34:09):
So like it's in this weird spot and just all of these tech companies have like compiled there.
(00:34:16):
So, and there's like all these different like subsidies that have little weird names like that.
(00:34:21):
So I wouldn't be surprised.
(00:34:23):
Oh, no kidding, man.
(00:34:24):
I don't know shit about California.
(00:34:26):
One of my friends is right there right now and she's going crazy.
(00:34:30):
But anyway.
(00:34:31):
Yeah.
(00:34:32):
Anyway, that's a huge digression.
(00:34:33):
Anyway.
(00:34:33):
Yeah.
(00:34:34):
So he worked at Oracle and they ultimately hired him right out of college.
(00:34:39):
And then, yeah, he he had an awesome opportunity for real.
(00:34:44):
And he worked in this was in Massachusetts.
(00:34:47):
Oracle has an office like 15 minutes from my hometown.
(00:34:51):
And then they decided that they wanted to open up a specific contract, specific center.
(00:34:57):
So only people who deal with contracts in this one center in San Antonio, Texas.
(00:35:03):
So I had graduated and I was looking for jobs and I was finding all these jobs that
(00:35:08):
weren't really clicking with me or like the interviews weren't going as well as I
(00:35:13):
had hoped.
(00:35:13):
And then he told me that they're looking for people to move down there and go into this position.
(00:35:20):
I didn't really know what it was.
(00:35:21):
I didn't fully understand, but I was just like working for Oracle and moving to Texas.
(00:35:26):
Sounds like 24.
(00:35:27):
It sounds like a bad ass.
(00:35:29):
Yeah, it absolutely was like I made lifelong friends there and it was so fucking awesome.
(00:35:35):
Yeah, it was really cool, man.
(00:35:37):
But
(00:35:38):
ultimately that's kind of what launched me into it but now i'm i'm mainly a
(00:35:43):
negotiator who i'm the one who writes the contracts like i draft them but i also
(00:35:50):
negotiate them so it's kind of like what i'll do is i'll
(00:35:57):
They'll either send me one of their contracts or I'll send them one of mine.
(00:36:01):
And then if they send me theirs, I'll redline everything that I can't agree to.
(00:36:06):
I'll redline it and send it back to them.
(00:36:08):
And then we'll get on a call and we'll have stupid arguments like, oh, we can't really do this.
(00:36:12):
I'm like, yes, you can.
(00:36:14):
It's that sort of job.
(00:36:16):
It's fun.
(00:36:17):
I enjoy it.
(00:36:18):
It sounds very...
(00:36:21):
like technical based but it's a lot more relationships and people and yeah i really
(00:36:26):
like it so i'm starting a new at a new assignment in uh i was supposed to be monday
(00:36:34):
but they just moved it back to the monday after that so when is that is that the
(00:36:39):
13th i want to check real quick no i think the 9th yeah
(00:36:48):
But yeah,
(00:36:48):
this is cool because it's at a biotech company and I like biotech companies are
(00:36:54):
cool because you feel like besides the tech companies,
(00:36:58):
I always like cool.
(00:36:59):
I'm making a billionaire richer.
(00:37:01):
Like this is really exactly.
(00:37:03):
But at biotech companies,
(00:37:05):
even though it's obviously like there's a big money portion,
(00:37:08):
you're still helping get drugs developed faster.
(00:37:11):
Like the better you do, the faster these things get out.
(00:37:14):
And it is very real patients and clinical.
(00:37:16):
Like I deal with clinical trials in particular.
(00:37:19):
So at this.
(00:37:22):
Yeah, it's awesome.
(00:37:24):
That sounds so cool.
(00:37:25):
Thank you.
(00:37:26):
I appreciate that.
(00:37:27):
So like at this place, though, I'm.
(00:37:30):
like the faster you get a clinical trial agreement out and get this clinical trial
(00:37:33):
ready to go,
(00:37:34):
like the faster somebody's trying this new,
(00:37:37):
for people who are listening and don't know,
(00:37:39):
a clinical trial is like an experimental drug actually being tried with like human participants.
(00:37:46):
And my uncle actually had like lymphoma, like lymph node cancer.
(00:37:51):
And he did radiation and everything and it went away, but then it came back and it was really bad.
(00:37:58):
And the only thing that ultimately,
(00:38:01):
i can't secure but like put him in long-term remission was a clinical trial and
(00:38:06):
like right now he's still like 76 he's alive he's perfectly fine yeah so i really
(00:38:11):
like clinical trials mean a lot to me so i appreciate being able to work in that
(00:38:16):
field i so i have like mad respect because i worked so one of the non-profits that
(00:38:22):
i worked for
(00:38:24):
a huge portion of the budget was dedicated to research and drug research and like
(00:38:30):
crispr type research and things like that um because it was a paroxysmal disorder i
(00:38:36):
don't know if you know what a paroxysm is but no i don't yeah it's something inside
(00:38:41):
of our cells within our dna it it uh dictates how you produce absorb in
(00:38:50):
use amino acids, I believe.
(00:38:52):
I could be totally getting that fucking wrong.
(00:38:54):
That's super interesting, though.
(00:38:56):
Hi there.
(00:38:56):
Hi there.
(00:38:58):
What's up, Bobo?
(00:38:59):
Sorry, he just came and sat down and he's staring at me aggressively.
(00:39:02):
What's up, Bobo?
(00:39:03):
How are you?
(00:39:04):
I specifically closed my door and locked it so my boys would not come in here and
(00:39:09):
dance around like maniacs because they're psychotic.
(00:39:12):
You need to get your boys on Wolfstack.
(00:39:15):
Yes, yes.
(00:39:16):
I'll try to get some better pictures of them.
(00:39:19):
Shep is the worst.
(00:39:20):
I read your note this morning.
(00:39:21):
Yeah, it's so frustrating.
(00:39:24):
I bet, dude.
(00:39:25):
He bears very good at it.
(00:39:26):
But I noticed recently, Samoans are very social and very smart.
(00:39:31):
But recently, he started to notice that when I take out the camera and point it at him, he gets shy.
(00:39:37):
He knows I'm doing something.
(00:39:39):
And I'm like, how the hell is he figuring this out?
(00:39:41):
They're so good at...
(00:39:44):
just understanding body language,
(00:39:48):
sensing that kind of energy,
(00:39:49):
like that dogs are just so,
(00:39:52):
I mean,
(00:39:53):
they're known for that and it's just super cool.
(00:39:56):
yeah so okay yeah so uh paroxysms anyway that's what lily had she had a paroxysmal
(00:40:03):
biogenesis disorder um and really cool that you went to work for a non-profit for
(00:40:09):
that afterwards by the way thank you i mean it was so that's how i ended up in
(00:40:14):
tulsa actually as i moved for the job with that foundation because it was
(00:40:19):
headquartered here um but anyway
(00:40:23):
we,
(00:40:25):
a large portion of the donations were put towards research and there was like four
(00:40:31):
separate private foundations that were funded to fund this research.
(00:40:36):
And my, the last year that I was there, we were working on some really, really cool programs.
(00:40:43):
And I got to watch the contract negotiation process go down for a drug trial and
(00:40:48):
oh very cool yeah it was it was really really cool because i knew how rare of an
(00:40:53):
opportunity it was and it was just super awesome um but yeah so i have mad respect
(00:41:00):
for that because it's it's a big deal it's difficult and it's a long and tedious
(00:41:05):
process sometimes and it can take months it can be really bad yeah it just depends
(00:41:10):
on like
(00:41:11):
What always happens is it depends on how eager either party is to get it done.
(00:41:16):
But it's always like when the ball's in my court,
(00:41:19):
the other person is crazy sending emails,
(00:41:22):
like harassing me practically.
(00:41:24):
When it's in their court, you don't hear from them for months.
(00:41:27):
That's exactly how it goes.
(00:41:30):
Yeah, it's so typical too.
(00:41:31):
But Taylor, how old are you?
(00:41:33):
I turned 30 this year.
(00:41:36):
Oh, you just turned 30.
(00:41:37):
Congratulations.
(00:41:38):
Thank you.
(00:41:39):
Yeah, you said you were moving to San Antonio and working for Oracle at 24.
(00:41:43):
And I was like,
(00:41:44):
on my 24th birthday,
(00:41:46):
I was spending it in the NICU with Lily because I had just had her the day before.
(00:41:49):
Oh, really?
(00:41:51):
Yep.
(00:41:52):
Yeah, I had her the day before my 24th birthday.
(00:41:53):
Okay.
(00:41:56):
yeah i got married at 21.
(00:41:58):
yeah i was super young i like i look back now and i'm like holy how how did i
(00:42:05):
survive was that typical in california because i always think of that happening in
(00:42:09):
like like the younger marriages being common in the south now especially with like
(00:42:13):
a military sort of yeah so i would say that where my ex-husband and i he grew up
(00:42:20):
there
(00:42:21):
um but where i went to high school it was like the hick land of california it
(00:42:29):
wasn't as bad as like victorville and places like that but like very just old
(00:42:36):
school traditions that kind of stuff it was really interesting it sucks because
(00:42:41):
it's like probably one of the most gorgeous places i've ever lived um and like now
(00:42:46):
that i mountain bike
(00:42:47):
Like it would,
(00:42:49):
I hate that I don't live there anymore,
(00:42:50):
but I also never want to live in California again.
(00:42:52):
Um, good for you for mountain biking, man.
(00:42:55):
That's an awesome exercise.
(00:42:57):
Yeah.
(00:42:58):
I only got into it because D is like, like an incredible mountain biker.
(00:43:04):
Like he, the same level I was with gymnastics.
(00:43:09):
He was with mountain biking when we were, yeah.
(00:43:12):
So it was super fucking cool.
(00:43:14):
So he got me into it.
(00:43:16):
Um,
(00:43:18):
But anyway, so I got married super young because there's so many.
(00:43:26):
It's a lot I could unpack with that.
(00:43:31):
But I met my ex-husband when I was a freshman in high school.
(00:43:36):
Okay.
(00:43:39):
And we never stopped.
(00:43:43):
I tried to break up with him.
(00:43:46):
once and it didn't go well and there's a whole giant story behind all of that.
(00:43:53):
i heard um if i made do you mind if i interrupt for a second of course i heard
(00:43:58):
yesterday i think last night i was reading an article and it said like two scariest
(00:44:04):
times in a woman's life i don't remember what the second one is but the first one
(00:44:10):
is when you go to break up with a man and i was like that's so up man yeah so
(00:44:15):
goddamn bad
(00:44:17):
so it's not necessarily like wrong because it took me so long to ask for a divorce
(00:44:22):
because i was worried my now ex-husband was going to kill himself when i did like
(00:44:27):
because he kind of joked about it before he we talked about it eventually and he
(00:44:33):
was like i'd never actually do that but like i didn't know because i mean he
(00:44:37):
literally like had tried to do that before it wasn't like ah that's that puts you
(00:44:43):
in such a fucked up spot but yeah
(00:44:46):
yeah so yeah hence why a lot of things how they happened but um so we i just never
(00:44:54):
stopped dating him and i know a lot of it is because i didn't want to end up like
(00:44:59):
my parents i wanted to be the first person in like three generations that was
(00:45:04):
married before they had children like okay
(00:45:08):
Yeah.
(00:45:09):
And then my mom told me she wouldn't pay for my wedding until I graduated from college.
(00:45:13):
Hence me graduating three years early because like I was so laser focused.
(00:45:18):
It was getting married, having babies.
(00:45:20):
And then I didn't think of anything beyond that.
(00:45:22):
That was it.
(00:45:24):
So it was kind of like you had this 10 year plan that was going to happen.
(00:45:27):
Very future oriented kind of thing.
(00:45:31):
Yes.
(00:45:31):
And that's how I portrayed my life to people as well.
(00:45:34):
Like that's just how they thought it was.
(00:45:35):
And it was so far from that.
(00:45:38):
funny how that shit never works out right right right oh god yeah so i don't
(00:45:44):
remember how we got to this but oh i was saying you were moved you moved to san
(00:45:49):
antonio when you were 24 and i was right yeah yeah exactly so um i gotta ask how
(00:45:57):
deeply involved in the church were you
(00:45:59):
Oh, my God.
(00:46:00):
I went on mission trips.
(00:46:02):
Oh, wow.
(00:46:03):
Okay.
(00:46:04):
So a good story.
(00:46:05):
It actually made me – I thought about this particular mission trip today when I was
(00:46:10):
reading your post about 9-11.
(00:46:13):
Oh, my God.
(00:46:16):
You read that.
(00:46:17):
That's like the –
(00:46:19):
like the first thing I posted on here I think it's not the first thing I think
(00:46:23):
there was something before that because I think you included pictures in this one
(00:46:27):
your very first newsletter I think it was just text okay anyway it doesn't matter
(00:46:34):
it made me think of that trip because twice on that trip I had very unique
(00:46:43):
interactions with people who practice the Islamic religions.
(00:46:50):
And I, so for one of them, first off, it was eight girls and eight girls total.
(00:47:01):
And the only two of them were true adults.
(00:47:03):
The rest of us were like 19.
(00:47:06):
Where were you?
(00:47:07):
New York.
(00:47:08):
We went to New York.
(00:47:10):
Okay.
(00:47:10):
Yeah.
(00:47:12):
we would kind of yeah out of water okay yeah yeah oh yeah and you would think that
(00:47:19):
these girls would be able to like understand surroundings given that we were we
(00:47:23):
lived in southern california no absolutely not it was so fucking infuriating so
(00:47:28):
that is how i ended up standing in the middle of the street in brooklyn next to a
(00:47:34):
fantastic falafel shop by the way uh praying
(00:47:40):
with a group of girls surrounding me while I'm holding the hands of this homeless
(00:47:44):
dude in the middle of the street,
(00:47:46):
because he stopped and asked for prayer and all of them fucking looked at me.
(00:47:49):
And I was like, well, I can't back down now.
(00:47:51):
Yeah.
(00:47:54):
Yeah.
(00:47:54):
Yeah.
(00:47:54):
And then on the way home, I spent the entire five hour flight sitting next to,
(00:48:01):
a Muslim woman.
(00:48:02):
And we talked about just everything about how she loves living in America and how
(00:48:07):
thankful she is for the,
(00:48:09):
for everything and how different it is from what she would be living like.
(00:48:13):
And it was just such a unique opportunity because I got to ask her questions about her religion.
(00:48:18):
And then she got to ask me questions about Christianity.
(00:48:21):
which at that point in time, like I was at a religious, I went to California Baptist university.
(00:48:25):
So a very super, super hardcore Southern Baptist.
(00:48:33):
Like I couldn't,
(00:48:34):
we had like a dress code and dorms were separate and you couldn't like absolutely
(00:48:42):
no drinking.
(00:48:43):
That's why they never had a football team.
(00:48:45):
Like just crazy stuff.
(00:48:48):
Why is drinking against like,
(00:48:51):
christianity so no that that's there's so many reasons why i completely
(00:48:59):
deconstructed myself from everything because there's too many flaws yeah i i feel
(00:49:04):
the same way about religion like i was raised very conservatively too so i i
(00:49:09):
totally cared yeah yeah so yeah so i was
(00:49:14):
As a kid,
(00:49:15):
I went to the Methodist church on the weekends,
(00:49:18):
but I didn't really pay attention because my grandma was my Sunday school teacher.
(00:49:22):
And then I was a nine-year-old with ADD and focusing on a sermon is just like
(00:49:29):
asking me to try to lick concrete.
(00:49:31):
So I...
(00:49:35):
And then when we moved to California,
(00:49:37):
I stopped going to church,
(00:49:38):
but it was really hard to make friends,
(00:49:41):
especially because the year before I had had a burn book.
(00:49:46):
I'm sure you know what a burn book is for mean girls.
(00:49:50):
Um, I think I can, I've seen Mean Girls like three times, but I think I can pick it up from context.
(00:49:57):
Isn't that like, you want to let go of, you put it in, you write it down and burn it.
(00:50:02):
No, it is where, yeah, it's okay.
(00:50:05):
That makes way more sense, right?
(00:50:07):
No, it's a book with a picture.
(00:50:08):
It's like the reverse of a yearbook.
(00:50:10):
It's a book with your picture in it and people write horrible things about you.
(00:50:14):
oh okay awful nasty any like think of the most horrible thing you thought of when
(00:50:20):
you were in seventh grade and then it was written on a book about you like
(00:50:25):
This happened to you?
(00:50:26):
Yes, this happened to me.
(00:50:28):
Jesus Christ, dude.
(00:50:29):
So I was a little bit of a swan, ugly duckling type situation.
(00:50:36):
I was cute until I was like six, and then something happened.
(00:50:42):
I was a tomboy for a very long time, and I would never admit that I loved the color pink.
(00:50:47):
Ah, okay.
(00:50:49):
Yeah, and then once I finally hit puberty, all of that, which wasn't until I was...
(00:50:55):
I had already turned 14, so I was 14, yeah.
(00:51:01):
Then it was like, oh, everything figured itself out.
(00:51:05):
Right, right.
(00:51:06):
Yeah.
(00:51:07):
But, yeah, it was horrible.
(00:51:11):
So I joined these church groups because I was trying to make friends.
(00:51:16):
That's a great place to make friends, though.
(00:51:18):
Exactly.
(00:51:20):
And then I met a boy.
(00:51:22):
Yeah.
(00:51:24):
And that boy that I spent the next 15 years of my life with was a Christian at the
(00:51:28):
time and his family was super religious.
(00:51:31):
So I went to church with them.
(00:51:34):
Yeah.
(00:51:34):
And it just spiraled from there.
(00:51:37):
And I will say that I know now it was a hundred percent important for that,
(00:51:43):
for the universe to put me in that direction and in those places when it did,
(00:51:47):
because I did learn a lot of very valuable lessons about life in that time and some amazing,
(00:51:54):
incredible experiences that I wouldn't have gotten had I not done and
(00:52:00):
did the things that I did and the people that I met, I couldn't change that.
(00:52:05):
I wouldn't ever change that.
(00:52:06):
But I don't think I would have made it through everything that happened with Lily
(00:52:13):
had I not been a Christian at that time.
(00:52:16):
It gave me something to hold on to.
(00:52:19):
And I needed that because when you're in those moments,
(00:52:25):
you either go completely dark or you find the little bit of sunshine and hold on to it.
(00:52:30):
i could only imagine yeah so it was just i have zero regret regrets and it gives me
(00:52:39):
a lot of opportunity to talk to people a lot of about that kind of stuff because i
(00:52:43):
know a lot of it i literally had to take bible classes like my professor didn't
(00:52:49):
find it funny that i tried to compare
(00:52:53):
or I tried to say,
(00:52:56):
with data,
(00:52:57):
I tried to prove with data that Noah's flood was actually what killed the dinosaurs.
(00:53:06):
That's a good thing, though, I feel like.
(00:53:08):
I feel like that's an awesome argument.
(00:53:09):
Why didn't he like that?
(00:53:12):
Because everybody was so stuck up.
(00:53:14):
I didn't find it humorous at all,
(00:53:16):
but I met all the rubric requirements,
(00:53:19):
so I still got the perfect score.
(00:53:21):
That's all that matters.
(00:53:22):
Exactly.
(00:53:23):
Forget that guy.
(00:53:25):
Quick question.
(00:53:26):
When did you get diagnosed with ADHD?
(00:53:29):
Because you were saying at nine you had ADD, but did you know at the time?
(00:53:32):
No.
(00:53:32):
There were so many things.
(00:53:36):
But you know what does suck?
(00:53:37):
My parents knew.
(00:53:39):
Oh, they did.
(00:53:40):
Yes.
(00:53:41):
So both my parents have ADHD.
(00:53:44):
It manifests completely differently.
(00:53:48):
But I've now come to the conclusion that I don't think I totally have ADD or ADHD.
(00:54:01):
I have OCD and with a hyperactive brain.
(00:54:08):
And that is because I don't breathe enough.
(00:54:13):
Yes.
(00:54:14):
Yeah.
(00:54:14):
It's a little bit of a different thing,
(00:54:15):
but the more I think about it,
(00:54:17):
the more it's true because like all of the issues with my quote unquote ADHD,
(00:54:24):
uh,
(00:54:25):
are just heightened things from OCD,
(00:54:29):
just the constant obsessive thoughts.
(00:54:31):
And what I'm thinking as distraction is.
(00:54:36):
my brain wanting to obsess over something else and not what I'm working on.
(00:54:41):
And I am so deprived of so many things that my memory doesn't work anymore.
(00:54:48):
It's not the, yeah, yeah.
(00:54:50):
There's an, I'm learning a lot about this and you can undo all of that because of neuroplasticity.
(00:54:58):
But yeah, it's just really interesting.
(00:55:01):
But I, I, I got a formal diagnosis of ADHD when I was,
(00:55:06):
28.
(00:55:09):
I got mine when I was 28, 26 or 20, 26, 27 or 28.
(00:55:14):
Very cool.
(00:55:16):
I think I was 27 or 28.
(00:55:18):
I was already living in Oklahoma, Tulsa.
(00:55:21):
I've lived in Oklahoma three times.
(00:55:23):
I don't know why it keeps coming back.
(00:55:25):
It's so fucking.
(00:55:25):
Hey, might be where you're destined to be.
(00:55:28):
I mean, that is where I met D so I would not have moved here.
(00:55:32):
So insane for him.
(00:55:33):
Like he was,
(00:55:35):
Are you ready for it?
(00:55:36):
I have a type.
(00:55:37):
He also was in the Marine Corps.
(00:55:39):
Oh, wow.
(00:55:43):
So he had lived all over and he was living on the East Coast and ended up here
(00:55:49):
because his dad was here and he just so happened to get a job here.
(00:55:52):
He moved here the same time I moved here.
(00:55:57):
The only answer is that was the universe.
(00:56:02):
It was all supposed to happen, so I'm stuck here now.
(00:56:05):
Hey, man.
(00:56:06):
I mean, why not, right?
(00:56:09):
Exactly.
(00:56:10):
I mean, if I had to be stuck here with him, then that's totally fine.
(00:56:13):
I have zero fucking issues with that.
(00:56:16):
Oklahoma's right just north of Texas, right?
(00:56:19):
Yes, it's directly above Texas.
(00:56:21):
Is it super hot there right now?
(00:56:23):
It's so fucking hot.
(00:56:26):
It's so fucking hot.
(00:56:27):
And we had such a gorgeous week last week.
(00:56:29):
I will be, once my children are out of grown and out of the house, I will be a snowbird.
(00:56:35):
I will go north in the summer and south in the winter.
(00:56:37):
I love them.
(00:56:40):
So in New York, for some reason,
(00:56:44):
I always assumed it was going to be the same as Boston because Boston gets very cold in the winter.
(00:56:48):
It's, it's, it's known for it.
(00:56:51):
And I assume New York was similar,
(00:56:53):
but I kind of forget that it's Southwest of Boston and like,
(00:56:57):
it can get very cold in the winter,
(00:56:59):
but it's such like a good climate there.
(00:57:02):
Like it's never too cold.
(00:57:03):
It never really got too hot and it was perfect.
(00:57:06):
But man, I, speaking of Texas and Oklahoma, I, I,
(00:57:11):
When I lived in San Antonio,
(00:57:12):
I would step outside in the summer and I would instantly just already be soaked.
(00:57:17):
I was just dripping with sweat the second I got out the door.
(00:57:21):
I was like, I don't stand a chance down here.
(00:57:25):
Literally, I was putting up Lucy's pool that my parents got her for her birthday on Saturday.
(00:57:31):
When I was finally getting to the part where I was filling it,
(00:57:38):
my clothes started getting wet and I was like,
(00:57:40):
Oh, fuck it.
(00:57:41):
Because I was already fucking soaked because it was so hot outside.
(00:57:46):
It's so humid.
(00:57:47):
It's so humid.
(00:57:49):
But I will say that Houston is five times worse.
(00:57:52):
Like five times worse compared to Oklahoma.
(00:57:55):
For a lot more reasons than just the weather.
(00:57:58):
I don't like Houston.
(00:58:01):
I only go there because my best friend is there.
(00:58:03):
Otherwise, I would never have any reason to visit.
(00:58:06):
Yeah, I just...
(00:58:08):
I it's so like spread out and big that it's just not my kind of city.
(00:58:14):
And I don't know.
(00:58:14):
It's so interesting because you live in New York.
(00:58:17):
yeah but the thing about new york is like you can get anywhere by walking or taking
(00:58:21):
like a subway or whatever in houston you have to drive everywhere everywhere san
(00:58:25):
antonio was the same you have to drive everywhere and when i lived there uber was
(00:58:30):
banned in the city and so was lyft the why yeah so basically it was i i'm not sure
(00:58:36):
but right when i left the band got undone so maybe it's because i was there and
(00:58:40):
they're like yeah uber can't be here while he is in
(00:58:42):
It's like the whole thing,
(00:58:43):
but like,
(00:58:45):
I'm not going to say that we did this,
(00:58:47):
but it,
(00:58:48):
like,
(00:58:48):
it feels like the law that was like driving you to drive drunk.
(00:58:52):
Like, it's so stupid.
(00:58:53):
Like,
(00:58:53):
why would you,
(00:58:54):
I don't know,
(00:58:55):
like there's taxis,
(00:58:56):
but the amount you'd have to pay to go like 20 minutes was absurd.
(00:59:00):
Yeah.
(00:59:00):
Yeah.
(00:59:02):
Oh, that was another lifetime, man.
(00:59:05):
Oh yeah.
(00:59:05):
I sent on my, I did like a singleton podcast the other day and I sent like, it's so crazy because like,
(00:59:12):
Like most people that know me think like there was only like,
(00:59:19):
I only packed a lifetime in one 10 years,
(00:59:21):
but like from 10 to 20,
(00:59:23):
there was like a whole fucking lifetime.
(00:59:25):
And then 20 to 30 was just 16 times worse, 16 times more insane.
(00:59:32):
Like I don't even know how it could have gotten there, but it did.
(00:59:36):
Um,
(00:59:37):
so it's really it's really kind of crazy how like you literally it was a lifetime
(00:59:40):
ago like back then was a lifetime ago it really was man it's it's a good saying and
(00:59:46):
like the one thing i think about when i hear you say that like 10 to 20 was one
(00:59:51):
life and the rest was like 16 lifetimes i think the cool thing about that is that
(00:59:56):
you did get on this like
(00:59:59):
self-actualization journey.
(01:00:02):
You're probably not to be cliche, but you can probably handle so much more shit now.
(01:00:06):
I'm like, it's only going to be up from here.
(01:00:09):
You're still going to have your challenges,
(01:00:11):
but I think you'll be a lot better equipped at facing them because of everything
(01:00:15):
that happened.
(01:00:15):
I genuinely do believe that.
(01:00:17):
I a hundred percent hands down.
(01:00:19):
I agree with you because I tell, I am the first person to say like Lily fundamentally changed.
(01:00:27):
How I human, like she, she opened all of these doors that I didn't even know were there.
(01:00:36):
And she forced me to unpack all of these fucking boxes that had been sitting in the
(01:00:40):
attic in my brain for 10 years.
(01:00:44):
And so I, I agree.
(01:00:46):
I, I was so selfish.
(01:00:49):
And so,
(01:00:50):
I mean,
(01:00:52):
I'm a white girl,
(01:00:53):
like I'm a basic white bitch,
(01:00:56):
you know,
(01:00:57):
with that comes all of the privilege and,
(01:00:59):
and I'm pretty like when you give all of those together,
(01:01:03):
like there is privilege that comes with that.
(01:01:05):
And I try really fucking hard to acknowledge that,
(01:01:08):
that like my life has probably been easier because of it.
(01:01:12):
And that is not the case for every, for most people.
(01:01:15):
And it breaks my fucking heart that people have to deal with shit on a daily basis like that.
(01:01:21):
But like,
(01:01:23):
I was pretty selfish and self-centered and just very focused on everything that I
(01:01:30):
thought I should want and not what I actually needed.
(01:01:34):
Yeah.
(01:01:36):
So, and she, she just blew all that up.
(01:01:38):
It was like, Oh, we're done with that.
(01:01:40):
Let's shut that door.
(01:01:41):
Moving on.
(01:01:42):
Yeah, I can only imagine, man.
(01:01:45):
I feel like if obviously the circumstances aren't great and anytime something like
(01:01:50):
that happens,
(01:01:51):
it's fucking really hard.
(01:01:52):
But it's almost like if there's any silver lining out of it, it's cool that
(01:01:59):
some people who are that selfish don't have that defining moment that changes them
(01:02:03):
and they just live the rest of their life like that and that was like i have met
(01:02:08):
plenty of those people they've never had like a transformative moment and good for
(01:02:13):
them like they didn't have to go through all the pain and stuff and i don't i don't
(01:02:16):
wish it upon anyone but at the same time you're gonna be a douchebag the rest of
(01:02:21):
your life so there's definitely something there
(01:02:24):
Oh, for sure.
(01:02:25):
Because like, and I was so, so shallow.
(01:02:28):
It's so funny, but I was so shallow and had, here's another reason why I think I got married so young.
(01:02:33):
Had I not had a boyfriend through high school and college,
(01:02:36):
I probably would have been a giant fucking slut.
(01:02:40):
because i've always kind of thought that and then when i went on my little escapade
(01:02:45):
of cheating i definitely was a giant fucking slut so interesting yeah so i think it
(01:02:51):
was trying kind of a protective mechanism um and because i was just the only things
(01:02:59):
i cared about was being skinny and looking pretty and being the smartest like i
(01:03:03):
wanted to have all three that's like a
(01:03:05):
fucking powerhouse combo right there.
(01:03:07):
Yeah, it is.
(01:03:10):
That's a very... I grew up in a... I feel like a lot of the girls I grew up with were similar to that.
(01:03:17):
They had that same mentality.
(01:03:19):
That's all they wanted.
(01:03:20):
I wanted to be the pretty girl who studied clinical psychology at UCLA and graduated with a 4.0.
(01:03:30):
All of that kind of shit.
(01:03:32):
That didn't happen.
(01:03:34):
Had I gone and done that,
(01:03:36):
I, there's so many situations that I avoided because I didn't go down that road.
(01:03:43):
And I'm so thankful.
(01:03:44):
I know just what I know from what has happened to me.
(01:03:48):
I would have put myself in a lot of really,
(01:03:50):
really,
(01:03:50):
really shitty situations and probably had a lot of horrible things done to me and
(01:03:55):
probably done a lot of horrible things.
(01:03:58):
Um, so it's, you know, at the end of the day, like I wouldn't change anything.
(01:04:06):
like unless i could have gone through and got the exact same results but with d
(01:04:12):
like that's the only thing right that's not possible because we're genetically
(01:04:16):
different so right so you know but we have been going for an hour i am okay with
(01:04:24):
going but i just wanted to check in with you because it is later your time
(01:04:28):
I can stay for like five more minutes because I just, I have to go and Bear's been so patient.
(01:04:34):
Oh, I literally heard Zeus whining outside the door and his tail is smooshed under the door as well.
(01:04:41):
That's so cute, my God.
(01:04:44):
Yeah, it's an hour past their dinner time.
(01:04:47):
So, you know, I wouldn't-
(01:04:49):
They're not happy with me.
(01:04:51):
But quick thing is that I like how you said that you wouldn't change anything
(01:04:56):
because something I realized is that those situations also going through what I
(01:05:01):
went through made it so I don't regret anything anymore.
(01:05:06):
yes when i was younger i always used to like go through something or like mess up
(01:05:10):
in a situation i was like i wish i did this or i wish i did that like that just
(01:05:14):
doesn't happen anymore no it just doesn't it's not it's not like it's really just
(01:05:19):
not logical to be honest to think that way you just you just really only damage
(01:05:25):
yourself it is a form of self-sabotage
(01:05:28):
Oh, absolutely.
(01:05:29):
Because you're just wasting time thinking about something that's never going to happen.
(01:05:34):
Oh, my God.
(01:05:34):
So hard.
(01:05:35):
I think I saw you comment or maybe you made a note on someone about about the shower fights.
(01:05:40):
And I was just like,
(01:05:42):
oh,
(01:05:42):
yeah,
(01:05:43):
I literally avoided showering for like a whole year when my depression was like off
(01:05:47):
the charts and and and my OCD because I couldn't I needed to be distracted.
(01:05:56):
24 100 man like anytime i had depression too like i renowned for like having grody
(01:06:03):
ass hair like long ass beard like i haven't showered in weeks and people don't get
(01:06:08):
it they feel like i wouldn't even clean up after myself just like i just don't feel
(01:06:13):
the point to do any of that
(01:06:15):
No,
(01:06:15):
like,
(01:06:16):
you know,
(01:06:17):
when my depression has,
(01:06:19):
like,
(01:06:19):
if I'm starting to slide down that slope back in,
(01:06:22):
I stop,
(01:06:23):
you know,
(01:06:23):
I'm a very organized,
(01:06:25):
neat person.
(01:06:26):
But if I'm struggling, all of that shit fucking goes out the window.
(01:06:29):
Yeah.
(01:06:30):
And it's crazy.
(01:06:32):
So what was your distraction of choice when depressed?
(01:06:37):
So until I started smoking weed, it was smut for sure.
(01:06:44):
Okay.
(01:06:45):
Yeah.
(01:06:46):
I had like a Kindle unlimited subscription and I went through like three Kindles just in like six years.
(01:06:54):
Yeah.
(01:06:58):
Cause I,
(01:06:58):
I would read like if I was just reading and I was reading to dissociate,
(01:07:06):
I would read like sometimes two to three Kindle books in a week.
(01:07:13):
now they're probably only like 200 page books like if they were in print but yeah i
(01:07:22):
i did a lot of reading would you say smut do you mean like dirty romance novels are
(01:07:27):
more intense than that so my gateway was 50 shades of gray
(01:07:32):
Uh, as, as, as it is.
(01:07:34):
Yeah.
(01:07:34):
For a lot.
(01:07:35):
It was that it was for a lot of women.
(01:07:37):
Um, but then I discovered that there is actually books just like that, but with way better writing.
(01:07:43):
Um, and so it had a lot more like context and depth and, you know, real stories to it.
(01:07:54):
But yeah, I, I,
(01:07:57):
That was what I read for a very long time.
(01:08:00):
And I avoided anything self-help.
(01:08:03):
I mean, yeah, it's the last thing you want to read at that time.
(01:08:07):
You just don't want to.
(01:08:08):
For me, when I'm in that situation, I don't want to get better.
(01:08:11):
Exactly.
(01:08:12):
And it's so frustrating.
(01:08:13):
It's like, can we not stay stuck here, please?
(01:08:17):
But, you know, it's...
(01:08:19):
And for me,
(01:08:19):
it's always like,
(01:08:20):
there's just one day where I,
(01:08:21):
if I'm in a depression,
(01:08:22):
there's always one day where I wake up and it's,
(01:08:24):
it's over.
(01:08:25):
Like I have a feel,
(01:08:26):
it's not fully,
(01:08:27):
I have a feeling where,
(01:08:28):
okay,
(01:08:28):
it's time to start getting back to everything.
(01:08:32):
Yep.
(01:08:33):
No, I completely know exactly what that feels like.
(01:08:35):
Cause I'm the same way.
(01:08:36):
And I'm,
(01:08:37):
I would love to know what finally like gets me there,
(01:08:40):
but at the end of the day,
(01:08:42):
it doesn't really matter.
(01:08:43):
Yeah.
(01:08:44):
I think it's just like,
(01:08:45):
I I'm kind of the same where like,
(01:08:47):
I get obsessed with trying to not get into those states anymore anyways,
(01:08:51):
but it's just,
(01:08:52):
it's not possible.
(01:08:53):
So I'm similar where I want to like, understand that.
(01:08:56):
Why do I, when I'm in it, how do I ultimately
(01:08:58):
get out of it but once i started to realize that like i just i can't control
(01:09:05):
everything that i want to control life's just been easier yes that was a really
(01:09:12):
hard concept for me to finally stick all the time all right well we are
(01:09:24):
At the end of your time, thank you so much for joining me today.
(01:09:29):
And I will make sure everybody can see in the show notes where they can find you.
(01:09:34):
Is there anything you want me to make sure that people know or anything you want to share one last thing?
(01:09:39):
No, I think we're good for right now.
(01:09:41):
I mean, I am releasing this awesome, like, compilation of book recommendations tomorrow.
(01:09:47):
Yeah, I asked.
(01:09:49):
I was an idiot and asked Substackers what the book recommendations are.
(01:09:53):
And I literally got 94 comments.
(01:09:56):
Yeah, I mean, you asked, like, basically the entire audience as readers.
(01:10:01):
Yeah, I know.
(01:10:02):
Like, after I did it, I was like, what have I done?
(01:10:05):
Yeah.
(01:10:05):
but uh i i took every single one of the recommendations i looked up what genre each
(01:10:10):
title was and i like compiled it into this list so i'm really excited to put it out
(01:10:15):
there i hated the work it was terrible i'm just clearly i'm excited about it
(01:10:22):
because i can't get words out of my mouth but i have wanted that for so long but i
(01:10:28):
just have to don't have the spoons for that so props on you
(01:10:33):
It's been so tedious.
(01:10:35):
It's just like memoirs, fiction, that kind of subcategory.
(01:10:41):
It's nothing crazy, but I'm excited to put it out there.
(01:10:44):
No, I'm super excited.
(01:10:45):
I can't wait, and I will absolutely make sure I share it.
(01:10:48):
All right.
(01:10:49):
Thank you so much for having me, Taylor.
(01:10:51):
I really enjoyed this.
(01:10:53):
Absolutely.
(01:10:54):
All right, guys.
(01:10:55):
That is the end of today's Curiosity Chronicle.
(01:10:58):
I hope you enjoyed it, and we will see you next time.
(01:11:01):
Bye-bye.
Nur 🧔🏽♂️, Puppies 🐶, Emotional Trauma 😭, and Self Help Books 📖