Really Fucking Upset

The Things I Want To Say But I Can't Because They Are Mean So I Aggressively Write In My Journal

These Journal Entries are my first thoughts out of my brain. They are feelings that hold no real weight, just word vomits that I can’t hold in. Please know that I am sharing this with you all in hopes of helping one of ya’ll feel less alone in whatever crazy train you are on. All I ask in return for this article, is your utmost respect in understanding that there will be no shit commenting, arguing, or threats. Let’s keep it nice and real!

I just don't understand why I can't get through a conversation without saying something that it fucks it up. I fuck it up somehow and I don't understand. Because it feels so wrong. And I'm eventually going to push him away. And it hurts every fucking time I make him angry. I'm so tired of having that anger directed at me. I'm tired of feeling stupid. I'm tired of arguing I'm tired of feeling small. Why would he want me? Why would he keep staying if he is telling me time and time again that he's so fucking tired and exhausted and tired of my bullshit and always having to tip toe.

And deal with me being a mushy parent and not a hard ass. I just don't understand how or why he loves me. And why would he keep loving me if I cause so many fucking issues in his life. I genuinely feel like he thinks I am not trying hard enough and because my brain is so fucked up I have no idea if that's true or not and it doesn't matter if he tells me because he can tell me until he's blue in the face but I'm not going to be able to tell if it's the truth or not because my brain is so fucked up.

I never feel like it's enough. I feel like I keep pushing and trying and learning and it just isn't ever enough. And I feel defeated and discouraged and so sad. And so anxious. All the time. Because I never know when I'm going to fuck up and piss him off again because I can't decipher my own fucking emotions and I'm a fucking delicate little snowflake who can't handle anything.

So of course that pisses him off. So again I'm back to the same question of why is he with me. People do not like the real me. That's why I don't let it out. I talk to much. I share to much. I'm too nosey. I'm weird. I am internally quite mean. I don't know how to participate in conversations properly and I interrupt and one up on accident constantly. I have really strong opinions on things that don't always make sense. I constantly contradict myself and I'm a walking hypocrite.

I don't like the real me.

She's embarrassing and annoying and just exhausting. I don't want him going anywhere. Ever. My heart cannot beat the same without him. My soul will be a shell of what it is now. I'm so scared of causing that to happen. I'm scared I’ll be the one to ruin it all. For good. This clouds every thought and every conversation. And I don't want it to. So I'm trying hard to get there. But I don't feel like it's working well enough 😕.

Hope you enjoyed your weekly dose of insanity ala Taylor :) Don’t worry, I’m doing eons better than that journal entry.

Much Love,

Taylor Cecelia Brook