Journal Entry
Iāve started doing meditation in both the Sauna and the Red light therapy tube thingy at the gym. It has had profound effects on me. My meditations in the sauna are all about my feelings. Iām doing this course on insight timer and itās all about learning to feel your feelings and emotions more. This is such a mind fuck for me because Iām hella sensitive but I donāt how to feel happy or calm or joyful or peaceful very well. And often the things I do feel are incorrect responses to the situations because of things my brain has taught itself over the years. But itās wild. I donāt know if it is the heat or the stillness of the sauna, but it helps me open up my heart, my body, my soul, and my mind, in a way no other basic meditation has. Recently my meditations have led to incredibly visceral imagery in my brain. The first time it happened I had this image of thousands and thousands of $100 bills just being siphoned out of my brain. Literally, the top of my brain was sliced off and all of this money just started spilling out.
Iāve been doing a TONE of work around money and my blocks and just everything that comes with that. So Iām assuming that was my subconscious releasing some of the challenges it faces with having large amounts of money. I still donāt why or what these issues are but at least itās starting to leave right? Anyway, that was only the beginning of these images and my meditation practices elevating to a whole new level. But what really struck me was my feeling my feelings meditation. Iām only 2 lessons/meditations into this course but both times I have had profound reactions to the meditation and it left me with just incredible clarity. TLDR: I need to work on loving myself. The last 2 meditations in the sauna were focused on the heart, the heart center, where you store your soulās emotions. I canāt (couldnāt) feel those because Iāve never allowed myself to feel my feelings that deeplyā¦ because it fucking HURTS. But APPARENTLY, thatās normal and it is supposed to hurt a little when it is a sad type of emotion, but the trick is not getting stuck in it either. That is the conundrum that I have faced. Iām able to feel and get stuck or not feel and live life like an ostrich with its head in the sandā¦. Iāve chosen that latter pretty much my whole life.
In this meditation on my heart, the imagery was first of my heart being this grey, jagged, hard, nonporous surface. It was my cold, dead, heart. It seems like a joke but it literally did look that way. Now obviously it wasnāt dead but damn. I left that meditation with the realization that I need to learn how to love myself to not have a cold, dead, heart lol sounds simple right? Well, what happened at the next one was even cooler, the next round where I was asked to look into that heart center, this time it was pink. More like a gap or a Crack in a rock. It was still jaded but now it resembled to me that I was on the right path. I need to keep going and keep working on my self-love but it's not so dead anymore.
But what happened in the red light pod immediately after was an experience I've never had while meditating. I've done plenty of meditations where I've invited my spirit guides to join me but never have they just shown up on their own. during this money meditation, where BTW it was raining literal money on me from up above (I think it's because the pod for the red light reminds me of those windy money-catching tubes you'd see on TV lol, anyway. So it's raining money and I'm just standing in the empty bright angelic expanse and out of nowhere, Aphrodite shows up beckoning me to keep walking, and as I'm walking, Lily, my dead baby, shows up by my shoulder. Her spirit form reminds me so much of the sprites from Crescent City. But š± my baby showed up again. She's been making more appearances to me in her spirit form but never this way and never just on her own. What's even more wild, my deceased grandfather then all of a sudden plopped in on a chair across from Aphrodite. He began waving at me too. And from my shoulder where Lily was floating next to me, she said "Keep going, momma. I love you" Cue fucking tears as my body is vibrating from the pod (long story). They left shortly after but holy fuck. That is probably one of the most intense meditations I've ever had.
I can't fucking wait to go back and meditate in those places more and more š