The Chronicles of Taylor Cecelia Brook
Age 6...ish.
I don’t really remember much before I was 6. But I do remember, despite being bubbly and joyful, I worried a lot. About things a six year old shouldn’t worry about. It’s no one's fault except genetics. But nonetheless I worried. But I also remember that I had a distinct strange disturbing fascination with larger individuals; side bar, this was the beginning of one of the things I've battled with my whole life. I remember hating napping at the stupid daycare I had to go to after kindergarten some times. I never understood why dad was always working. I got it shortly after but to my 6 year old mind, I thought I did something wrong or bad. And that began my years and years of guilt and shame, that I didn't need to be feeling. But I didn’t let that stop me from being a mediocre gymnast. But, my fear and anxiety did stop me from being an AMAZING gymnast. I was so fucking terrified of everything. I never wanted to take risks, and I was constantly afraid of getting hurt. The only time I never felt that way was in the pool. I probably should’ve been a swimmer lol But the biggest issue was, i didn’t tell anyone i felt these things. I didn’t even know that I would’ve benefited from sharing my struggles with someone. But i didn’t want to do that because it makes me cry and crying was bad. Dad didn’t like it, it made me feel weird, and I never saw anyone in my family cry, really at all until I was significantly older.
During this age, was when I had chronic recurring strep throat that led me to eventually getting a tonsillectomy. That may not seem like anything super crazy, many millennials had their tonsils taken out (only after building up an amoxicillin tolerance). But what is a big deal is that I developed PANDAS. PANDAS is short for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections. A child may be diagnosed with PANDAS when:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), tic disorder, or both suddenly appear following a streptococcal (strep) infection, such as strep throat or scarlet fever.
(https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/pandas#:~:text=PANDAS%20is%20short%20for%20Pediatric,strep%20throat%20or%20scarlet%20fever.)
I was never diagnosed because I didn’t tell anyone that suddenly not only was I anxious all the time, I couldn’t focus…at all and words or sentences or songs would get stuck in my head and repeat on a never ending loop. Sometimes the phrase would start out as a broken phrase like “ice bridges before road” and my brain would repeat that phrase until my brain could get the phrase in the correct order “Bridge Ices before road”. But it can also do the opposite where it will say the phrase correctly over and over again until it breaks the sentence. Did you know I finally overcame this specific phrase at 28 by repeating the phrase correctly, outloud, everytime I drove past one of those signs. Very rarely does that phrase get stuck anymore. Still annoying as fuck
ANYWAY, I developed PANDAS and therefore OCD. That significantly changed the whole trajectory of my life. But here’s the blessing in this situation, I was blissfully unaware that I struggled with this because I thought everyone thought this way and life was just rough as fuck. How is this a blessing? Well because had I known that my brain thought differently than others, I still wouldn’t have gotten help because I lacked the confidence and the language to tell my parents what was wrong and that I needed help. Cuz help = bad. Which is so stupid but that’s for another day. So instead of having to live in existential dread i just did what i could to make my life better in every other area… even at 6 lol I learned that school shut my brain up… until i couldn’t focus and then it daydreamed forever; but it was cool because school wasn’t super hard for me… also a HUGE blessing. But guess what made the biggest impact on me and are still the strongest memories I have at that age? My fucking kindergarten teacher. Mrs. Schlicker… tough name for a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds. But I am 100% honest when I say this, she was one of the largest sources of light and inspiration for me. She was SO funny, and goofy, and she just loved life. I remember thinking as a 6 year old “I want to be that happy when I’m really old”, cuz she was super duper old lol But I remember her silly hats she wore to recess, a crab hat for when she was feeling crabby, a goofy hat for when she was feeling goofy and etc. But the expression really helped her connect with her students in a way not many teachers did with me. A few years later I saw her in the hall of our school and her smile was so bright and it just lit me up from the inside and I remember thinking “I want to make people feel this way”
During this time, I often spent a lot of time with my grandparents. In Fact I spent a lot of time with both sets. I was lucky and had all 4 grandparents alive. I have so many fond memories as a child with all of them. At 6 was when I started horseback riding with my moms mom, it was when my beloved grandfather had me bring his espresso to him and he just laughed so hard when I would plug my nose, he told that story for years and years, and then told it some more when I became obsessed with espresso lol But I spent many weekends with my dads parents as well. I got to see cool cop things with my grandpa, and do fun girly things with my grandma, and one of my dearest friends lived across the street. We would spend hours playing on her big wheels and her trampoline and my swingset in my grandparents yard and have tea parties in fancy dresses in our driveways. I miss her dearly. Unfortunately she died when we were 16 and I deeply regret that I never got to speak with her one last time because the last time we spoke, she had gently confronted me about lying to her and I put up my walls and lied some more and then didn’t speak to her again. As an adult I have both empathy and disappointment for Taylor at that moment. She let fear rule her life, but she also didn’t know any better. Anyway, I think that my love for sewing and baking and cooking and music all stem from the time I spent with my grandparents. My heart hurts to share that at 30 I have now lost my moms dad, and my dads mom, just within the last year. They were, without a doubt, some of the closest people to me in my entire life. They were sources of joy and love and brightness during my childhood. My grandfather's smile could light up a room and his jovial laugh brought so much warmth and comfort to me. My grandma's gentle and empathetic demeanor made many around her feel instantly better. She was firm and directed me in a lot of positive ways, but never without a loving tone in her. Like many kids, as I got older those relationships became less deep, but the bond will always be there.
At six I had no idea where my life was going (does any 6 year old?). All I knew is I loved animals, loved gymnastics, loved school, loved music (ESPECIALLY Elvis), and that my brain was really loud, all the time, but i figured that’s how it was for everyone. My early childhood was pretty basic and privileged. I grew up in a quintessential American dream neighborhood topped off with 100 year old oak trees. It was a lovely place to grow up and I had a wonderful room that to this day I still love. Despite all the shit that was in my head, I was positive and bright and happy because I just didn’t see the point in feeling anything negative when it made you feel bad… so i just pretended it didn’t exist; even at 6 I was an EXCELLENT emotions stuffer lol It only gets crazier from here.
With All My Love,
Taylor Cecelia Brook