The Open Marriage That Fucked Up My Marriage

well... kind of. It's more complicated than that lol

Disclaimer, I say like a lot, use the word fuck way too much, and go on a lot of digressions. Have fun!

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I’ve been asked by a few friends over the past two years WHY my ex-husband and I decided to open up our marriage and potentially become polyamorous.

It all started with TikTok

For months, both my then husband and I had been seeing LOTS of open marriages and poly couples all over our TikTok. We had tossed around the idea of having a threesome with another girl, like many couples do, and other things, but nothing really came to fruition.

I still don’t know how the conversation was initiated but essentially it boiled down to:

My ex-husband thought it was quite hot to picture me with other women. I had finally become comfortable with my sexual identity. It took me a long time to even acknowledge that I was bisexual, let alone talk about it. I always hinted around on it but like I went to a super super super religious University and that really fucked with my head for a long time. After years of secretly reading lesbian erotica, I finally had become comfortable with it, and okay with it. I never got to have any of those sexual experiences because I chose to stay with my then boyfriend, then fiancé, then husband who's now my ex-husband, but I chose to stay and so there were certain things that I didn't end up doing that I've always wanted to do.

For whatever reason I wanted to have the experience of sleeping around. I wanted to have an experience of a threesome, and sleeping with girls. I ended up having a threesome with two girls which was okay, and a few more before then (none of them were good lol). But when we started, it was only supposed to be girls. I had secretly been hoping that maybe I would get the chance to sleep with another guy. Why? Well because, I think I mentioned in a different post, I had no idea if I was TRULY bisexual, because at some point, my husband stopped being attractive to me. And 90% of the time I had zero sexual attraction to any man.

So I wanted to know lol

But I didn’t look at just woman, as most of my subscribers know. I could see and feel his insecurities cropping up the minute I even like hinted at maybe sleeping with men. I talked to him about it so many times. I unfortunately kept pushing the topic and it really caused some serious issues between us, but like I just could not understand why he was okay with one not the other. While I was okay with him sleeping with women and men (if he wanted to) so it was just like really confusing to me. And felt insanely hypocritical. Additionally, it should have been a huge red flag for ME that Me, Myself, a I, were NOT jealous at all. There wasn’t a single drop of jealousy from me at the thought of him sleeping with another woman. In fact, I WANTED him sleep with other woman because he also never had any sexual experiences outside of us.

What ended up happening was as I was on Tinder, because that's how I was meeting girls, and I did not know that you could change it to only seeing women. So I had guys on my feed and I had guys liking me. Unfortunately, the temptation was too high and so every now and then I would look through my swipes (or whatever it was called) and see like “ooh who's liked me.” The domino that started the fall was, there was this guy who was hot and young and he was very into me. I had never felt that way. No one had ever treated me like that as an adult. Like my ex husband did when we were young, and when we were older he would constantly touch me but it always felt icky and God I feel like a horrible person for saying that but it did. I never wanted hugs and I had to work myself up for sex.

Digression

This is something I still struggle with, in my head. I never wanted him to know the attraction issues and everything. I think I secretly self sabotaged by cheating so I didn’t have to admit all of this stuff to him. I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting him in that way. If I cheated… I could take the blame. It still aches inside just thinking about the concept of him knowing I felt grossed out or bothered. Because I KNOW that would hurt him more than the cheating. When you’re with someone for 14 years, and the most formative years of your life, you know the person better than anyone else, and I know, he wouldn’t recover from me telling him those things. I don’t think I would have recovered from seeing him hurt. I literally had to do EMDR treatments on the pain I’ve caused others because it causes so much anxiety and depression within me because of the choices I made. I’m a Pisces... we feel alllllll the feellllsss

ANYWAY

I just was relishing in that affection. This guy had abs, and shoulders, and he was into kind of kinky things, so I was excited. And that's kind of how it started and it just steam rolled from there. But what's super interesting is like that only lasted a few months because somewhere in the middle of all that I met D. He was not the first guy I slept with (this is a good thing too weird I know) but when I saw that he had swiped on me I couldn't believe it.

I instantly messaged him because like, ladies when I tell you he is a literal walking wet dream I'm not even joking. He is so fucking fine like so fucking sexy, at least for my taste. Like other people have different tastes, like some chicks are cool with dad bods… not me, but I mean I have my very specific tastes and like it's like someone took my brains dream man file, read it, and then 3D printed it for me because that's what he was. He was a literal reincarnation of this “Dream Man” that I had had in my head since I was a little girl, pinning up Usher and Chad Michael Murry magazine cut outs on my wall. lol

Before sleeping with D, I slept with a few other guys, and I am glad I did. Because until I met him I really did believe that I was not attracted to men. Because even the guys that were “hot”, still didn’t tickle my fancy… and none of them could make me orgasm. I am a type of person who needs to be very physically attracted to the person and I will not find sexual pleasure if I do not have that. BUT I also need to have them be my soulmate… because otherwise I am completely unsatisfied sexually. I tested this out too… because duh. I had to see if it was a fluke lol

So when I met D, I was just so insecure because, well, I was insecure at that point in time and couldn't believe that someone that hot, that attractive, that good looking, that handsome, would want to have sex with me

CLEARLY I HAVE SELF WORTH ISSUES… WE ARE WORKING ON THOSE OK!

So I had to go find out and when I tell you that I had feelings and experiences that I have never had in my entire life with him, I'm not even close to lying. Like it's not an exaggeration. The first night I met him he touched my hip just lightly and I felt like I was electrocuted in a good way and it was absolutely mind blowing. I recently posted the story of our first night but that is kind of how my open marriage started.

As you can see, this turned into a post more about D lol But the TLDR is: I’m Demisexual…to the point that I only have ONE person I can feel this level of connection with. The Universe and Fate, definitely orchestrated this one because I would have never met him naturally and I would have missed out on the greatest love of my life.

Thanks for reading my silly little rambles!

Much Love,

Taylor Cecelia Brook

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