To be honest, I can’t quite remember EVERYTHING we talked about. I never can lol
BUT I do know that this was an over arching theme for us AND that this podcast was the kick in the pants I needed to get my shit together!
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and we are back i am your host taylor cecilia brooke here on the curiosity
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chronicles and today i have a wonderful guest who has joined us before and i'm so
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happy to have him back on this podcast this is nor hi everybody thanks for having
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me taylor i'm glad to be back of course of course so so we don't forget
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Before we started this podcast,
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we were talking about Benadryl hangovers and that when you abuse it,
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you see crazy things and you have a wild story to share about that.
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I would absolutely love to hear it.
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I do.
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So there was a medication,
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like I was recovering from an injury,
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so I was given muscle relaxants and the specific one I was given was called Xanaflex.
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So I had taken more than I...
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and i didn't realize that if you it's one of those things where like if it doesn't
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put you to sleep you're in trouble and it didn't put me to sleep so i'm lying down
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in my bed with the lights on
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and then i start looking at the walls and you start seeing like these little black
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dots that start moving around and at first i was like what the hell is this and
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then like you were saying they start taking like the form of like a spider or a bat
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and i'm sitting there just watching it yeah then i turn to my right and there's a
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woman
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dead woman holding her baby right next to me and i was so goddamn scared because
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she put her hand on my bed and when she put her hand on my bed the bed moved oh no
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i feel like it actually moved it was terrifying and then i just what
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Yeah, dude, it was insane.
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And then an hour later,
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I was trying to get myself together,
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hiding under the curtain so she wouldn't look at me.
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And then when the coast was clear,
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I finally took the blanket off and I looked to my right and there was a
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there was a black man with black priest with extremely long white dreads just
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chanting at my bed like he was praying for me but in some like demonic like tongues
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language and i was just like jesus what is happening and then he yeah and then the
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last thing that i remember is that i was if the sun had finally come up i was like
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thank god this is okay
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But then there was this guy who had like an orange hunting cap and like some camouflage.
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And he was just sitting in my computer chair, like rocking back and forth.
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And he wasn't staring at me.
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He was just chilling.
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Yeah, I was just like, dude, this has to end.
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I've never taken that shit since.
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But it was like, I'd assume that's what sleep paralysis is like.
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But I could actually move.
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Move.
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yeah gosh i that's like to me you know it's very reminiscent of like a mushroom
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trip but when you're tripping on shrooms typically you make that choice yourself
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like you go into it knowing that's what's gonna happen yeah for sure i have i
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usually have like um more pleasant shrooms trips and whatnot nothing like that um i
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know some people can see like the devil on shrooms and whatnot but yeah i've never
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quite gotten to woman dead woman holding her baby
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Yeah, mine never have been, like, terrifying.
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The walls have done things.
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And then, like, on my very first mushroom trip, I was doing it with Dee.
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And we somehow managed to end up in the same trip together.
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It was very bizarre.
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Never had that happen before.
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But we were experiencing and seeing.
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Yes, we were seeing the same stuff.
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Yeah, it was wild.
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But at one point, he became, like,
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a field i think it was and like he just turned into all these different things and
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it was like the blanket morphed into something but for me the walls had like
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started to come alive almost they had patterns and there wasn't anything crazy on
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the walls it was just a regular freaking wall then but it started to come alive but
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i can't imagine going into that not knowing something like to just have that happen
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out of nowhere would be terrifying
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Yeah, I had no idea that this was like a side effect of it.
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I had no idea you couldn't like, I didn't realize you had to sleep on it.
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and then so i googled it because i was like am i going insane or is this something
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that happens to other people so i actually looked it up and there was people
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describing this one part this one that stuck with me is like i was downstairs
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somebody was slamming on my door so i ran upstairs and then the second i peeked
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back down i was being it was a home invasion
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no one was actually there but that was his hallucination people were invading his
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home i was like jeez man i know it's crazy and well like when i said when you're in
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that state like if it touches you like your sleep paralysis thing touches you you
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feel it like it's very very real but i just have to keep reminding myself like it's
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not real it's not real it's not real oh man oh
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Congratulations on getting married.
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Oh, thank you so much.
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Yeah.
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We haven't made it like,
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I mean,
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we posted on Facebook,
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but I haven't like set any cards out yet.
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Cause I need to edit all the pictures.
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Let me tell you that story.
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Are you ready for the most insane story ever?
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Please.
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So it was like right before Thanksgiving, I think.
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And we were talking and we had been trying to figure out when we were going to get married.
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And so I was like,
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uh i don't know and you know both of us have been married before and i had the
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whole giant wedding i was like i'm not doing that again i don't want that like if
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we have an actual wedding like we'll do something small or something like that and
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the more we talked about it the more like just annoyed i became about the amount of
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coordination that was going to have to happen to do that and
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the more I looked into it, the more I was like, I don't want to spend money on that.
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I would rather spend money on a really, really, really nice honeymoon later down the line.
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It's so expensive, man.
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It's insane.
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It's insane to me.
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Like just to run out of like a little tiny space for two hours was like minimum $4,000.
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And I was just like, no, absolutely not.
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No, we're not doing this.
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It's crazy.
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I have a small ceremony in my backyard.
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you're right right so i threw out i was like what if we elope over christmas break
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like right around new year's because we knew izzy was gonna be here and lou would
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be with us for actual christmas and stuff so i was like what if we do it and he was
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like okay let's do it i was like i know it's crazy but like i think we should
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And so we had like less than six weeks, I think, to get everything together.
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And I found this chick online.
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She had amazing reviews.
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This is all she does is like basically elopements and like an ordained minister for hire.
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And she had this package that came with pictures with it.
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Like there was a photographer and like everything you needed was right then and there.
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So I'm super pumped.
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It seems like it's going to be great.
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it took you know everything in us to get all the stuff coordinated between a dress
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for me and his suit and dresses for the girls and shoes for the girls and all you
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know all the stuff but in the end it was like it all came together very well so i
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get the address for the place we're supposed to be going it's you know january so
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it's fucking freezing and tell me about it
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yeah yeah exactly i'm like you can take your weather back please i know it's so bad
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here too but it's got it's getting a little better now
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it's only just a slight amount but at least it's not in the negatives so you know
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that's nice um so the lady was like yeah we can do it inside in my office i was
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like oh okay cool i get the address and i look on google maps and it's with street
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view it's a it's like a house in the middle of nowhere and i was like is this the
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right address she goes yeah that's the right address it's like okay maybe you know
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she's got like an office building or something right
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So we get there.
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We drive out to the middle of nowhere.
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And it is a trailer house.
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There's no other buildings.
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Jesus.
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So that's her office?
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it is her home there's no office it was her home and i was like we're supposed to
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be doing this inside what okay so we get there she didn't even like come out and
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greet us so i was like super worried we weren't even in the right spot and she she
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opens the door she's like come on in and we are in her living room
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and apparently i didn't even see this but apparently right near the door there was
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like dog piss right near on the floor yeah and the place smelled just awful and
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there were ceiling tiles missing and then half of her floor was missing so it was
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just plywood on the floor she had taken her couch and shoved it into her kitchen
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and then set up like
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a thing with a sheet over it to look like some kind of backdrop and that was it i
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was just like oh my god what the did i do this woman's a pioneer and then the
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photographer was her son her teenage son wow he's really um invested in her
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business huh yeah so
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It was one of the most unique experiences I've ever had in my entire life.
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But we are married and that's what matters.
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And I was able to get the raw files for the pictures,
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which thank fuck because the way she edited them was atrocious.
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Oh, I bet.
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I'm just like, what?
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There's Canva for a reason now.
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It's not a hard concept anymore.
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There's apps that do all that stuff automatically for you.
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She put purple vignettes on them.
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and like blurred things out i'm just like oh no this is bad this is so bad yeah
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that sounds awful yeah but you know what we're married and in 20 years we're gonna
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go somewhere really nice somewhere really tropical and we're gonna take the girls
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and we're gonna get married again in 20 years that's the goal
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yeah yeah in 20 years because i like it hey yeah you know kind of like a renewing
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of the vows type thing yeah for sure that'd be cool i just made the dumbest mistake
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in the world what did you do so i'm last night i was i smoked a black and like i
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don't i don't smoke but i wanted i was in the mood for something so i just had like
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a little cigarillo a black and mild yeah yeah
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And dude,
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I drink a lot of Diet Coke and I ashed it in a Diet Coke and I just kind of forgot
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about it.
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And right now I'm drinking a Diet Coke and I reached for the wrong one.
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Literally my mouth was just filled with fucking ash and I had to spill all over my shirt.
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Whatever.
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The show must go on.
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That's always my biggest nightmare is like
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Ashing into a can and accidentally drinking it or like,
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so I grew up,
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my dad chewed my whole life.
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And so I always had to like check the cans to make sure before I took a drink of anything,
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because I was like,
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I don't need to swallow juice bit.
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that'd be awful dude oh right right thankfully d does this really cool thing where
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he like pops open the whole top of the can with his shirt i don't know how he does
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it but and then so you just know like don't touch that can like that's not a can to
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drink out of it's not your energy drink um that that's like definitely one of my
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like oh god i don't ever want to do that i'm very sorry that happened to you
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That's okay.
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It's the second time in my life it's happened and each time it's just repulsive.
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But you know what?
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That's what I get for smoking.
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I mean... That's the cosmic justice.
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Yeah, I...
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I understand.
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It's such a, like right now I feel very torn about all of the weed stuff.
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I still don't know.
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Oh, I was reading.
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I wanted to ask you about that.
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Cause I was reading your notes and I was like, what is she going through?
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Cause I was a little confused,
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but it seems like you were quitting weed and it was kind of a challenging.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So we, I just became so
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addicted to it essentially where i was abusing it really like if you had changed it
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over to alcohol i was like it wasn't that i couldn't function without it but it
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felt like that and i've done a tolerance break before i took a month off back in
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may um and that was fine but it was you know a little challenging but it was more
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challenging mentally than anything else
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um but i was just you know we were smoking a lot and it wasn't really doing
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anything anymore um and there's a lot of studies about how you can like mess up
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your brain there's not enough information out there yet but just like just with
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your dopamine receptors and all that kind of stuff and i'm just like okay i don't
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know what's going on but maybe i need to take a break like
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i'm not using this in a healthy manner i'm not using it in the way i intended to
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use it like all this stuff and so i haven't smoked since january 5th so 20 it's
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been 20 days but oh good for you i don't i feel happy about it like it no longer
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feel like at first i was like really proud of myself and even though like
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physically it was
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awful like this time around the physical manifestation of the withdrawal symptoms
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were horrible i was like profusely sweating with like in the middle of the night i
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would wake up just drenched and sweat and yeah and like my appetite was all over
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the place it wasn't right i was shaky and just constantly nauseous and tired really
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really tired and so all of that's kind of gone now
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and like i feel normal but like i miss it almost in the way that i miss like this
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is gonna sound weird but like really well cooked tofu because that's really hard to
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find that does sound very weird not at all and i was expecting you to say
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and that's what's so strange about it like it's no longer the craving of like oh my
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god i want to smoke i miss the whole aspect of it and i was wondering when i was
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thinking about that it reminded me of when we talked about you know the whole
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we don't like the word relapsing and how like you know you had been heavily
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drinking and then you took a lot of time off and then now you kind of sometimes
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drink i don't know if that's still the case but that was the last conversation
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that's still how it how it goes i'm considering
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I'm considering either quitting altogether or lowering sometimes.
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So like very rare occasions.
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Cause there's times where I just drink and I'm like,
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I don't,
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I don't even know if I like this anymore.
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It just doesn't give me the same, whatever that I used to get from it.
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So it's been questionable, but as far as you're feeling, I would definitely say it's too soon.
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Like you just have to give it some more time.
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Cause your brain, your brain chemistry takes a little bit to recalibrate.
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Like,
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it's i know with alcohol it like it doesn't even start until like after three
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months or something oh man i didn't know that yeah i mean i'm sure it starts a
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little bit before that but that's kind of a big milestone for when you start
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feeling better and it's interesting because with alcohol when you quit you have
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something called like the pink cloud being on the pink cloud because you feel like
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totally
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optimistic you're like i'm never gonna drink again and you feel awesome about what
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you're doing you get into health and like do this and that but at the end of the
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day that fin cloud is gonna go away and then that's the one that's challenging yeah
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yeah and like it kind of frustrated me because i was under the assumption that the
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weed was causing me to
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not want to go to the gym not want to do things around the house like turns out
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that's just an issue i need to fix within myself wasn't the weed at all because i'm
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still struggling with that like you have adhd right so here's the thing i don't
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think so anymore um oh okay i think it's obsessed well i know i have ocd um
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But it's confusing because I was diagnosed with ADD before it stopped being the
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separate things.
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But I don't know because I've had one therapist tell me that she doesn't think
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that's even a real diagnosis anymore.
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She thinks it's just like a...
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They don't know what else to, you know, put you in, but in reality you have something else.
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And then like my psychiatrist has never actually brought up my ADHD and,
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and she is so in tune with my struggles more than any other psychiatrist that I've
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ever encountered in my life.
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Yeah.
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Like I got, I was so happy to find this psychiatrist and it does help that she's like our age.
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So, you know, she's a little bit more,
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aware of the times and things like that um but for her she was much more concerned
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with like the things we talk about are the body dysmorphia slash anorexia the um
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ocd and then the anxiety and or depression because i don't typically have both at
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the same time which is nice but
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Those are all very challenging things to deal with.
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Body dysmorphia is an absolute bitch.
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OCD is challenging.
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Depression is obviously awful.
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yeah yeah the body dysmorphia now has been the thing that i've been tackling the
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most trying to work on um but the this is where i struggle to like i don't know
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like maybe i'm autistic instead like because i know autistic people also struggle
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with the executive function challenges but like
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simple things are still consistently hard for me every single day.
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And it hasn't changed.
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Like it has always been hard for me to brush my teeth before bed.
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And when I wake up, I don't know why it's just hard for me to remember to do that.
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It is a fight for me to wash my hair.
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Like washing my hair is such a chore for me for some reason.
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And I hate every moment of it.
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And I don't really know, like,
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the other thing is is chemically i think something really drastically happened
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after lily died because before lily i didn't have any issues feeding myself
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breakfast i didn't have any issues getting you know in the shower doing i showered
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every other day then like i washed my hair every other day it wasn't a challenge
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like did i love to take baths absolutely that's like i swear god is part of my dna
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at this point but like
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i didn't have those same struggles my house was always clean like you know i had a
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cleaning schedule that i stuck to my i walked my dog two to three times a day like
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now granted i didn't have a choice we lived in an apartment but still i still
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walked her and something happened obviously i mean it's impossible to go through a
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situation like i did and not have things change but it was like
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The pregnancies ruined my ability to eat in the morning and the depression I had
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After Lily died and then again after Lucy was born,
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I think really ruined my ability to do anything but sit and exist.
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And because that was when I started truly disassociating into books because I had
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been doing that in college.
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But then once I got out of college,
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I got a lot better and I was working out and not necessarily in a healthy manner,
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but like,
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you know,
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all of that.
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I have questions for you.
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Yes.
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Number one, have you gotten your hormones checked recently?
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Oh, no, not recently.
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I mean, so I've always, so here's the other tricky part.
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I have something called Ehlers-Danlos,
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which is a connective,
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it's known as a connective tissue disorder,
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but it actually affects literally every single part of your body because...
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Is that the EHLER or something,
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right?
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Yes, yeah.
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Yes, I've heard of this, okay.
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yeah so a lot of people have like the hyper mobile version which is like i call it
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eds light um because they don't get the um so like i'm super anemic
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and um like i get tears in my skin super easy like the inside of my nose constantly
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splits open yeah that's rough yeah and like the corners of my mouth i have like
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special steroid cream for the corners of my mouth because they constantly split
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open um yeah so there are challenges that happen because of the our brain doesn't
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receive
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chemicals correctly,
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because we don't have enough collagen coating the things that need to be coated
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with collagen.
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And so I don't know, this is where I get lost.
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Like, I don't know what
(00:22:57):
know what's causing what and what is a result of what and i was hoping by removing
(00:23:06):
the weed it would kind of show me that but what's interesting is i do remember when
(00:23:10):
i did the 30 days the last time i had the same struggle like i was just like wait a
(00:23:15):
minute this is still happening um but you mentioned the hormones i had my hormones
(00:23:22):
checked multiple times
(00:23:24):
during Lily's life after but obviously all throughout IVF and stuff and then I had
(00:23:31):
I think the last time I had my blood drawn was back in 2023 for like a full hormone
(00:23:40):
panel and everything was fine um that was the first time that like my iron level
(00:23:46):
was that like
(00:23:47):
was it was still only at the baseline but normally i'm like so far below it that
(00:23:51):
it's like really bad um but
(00:23:58):
they I'm my brain's kind of spiraling right now in the terms of I'm thinking about
(00:24:03):
how much hair loss I've had lately and how wonky my appetite's been.
(00:24:07):
I'm like, I think I maybe need to make an appointment with my doctor.
(00:24:11):
Yeah.
(00:24:12):
I think that would be a good idea.
(00:24:15):
That's, uh, none of the symptoms sound great.
(00:24:18):
Go ahead.
(00:24:19):
Well,
(00:24:19):
and then I've been more tired than usual and I just chalked it up to being,
(00:24:24):
I hadn't been taking my iron.
(00:24:26):
Um,
(00:24:28):
but because i know i struggled with a lot of that stuff i my thyroid had a hard
(00:24:34):
time readjusting after i had lily um so and i know that can happen again and again
(00:24:43):
and it needs to be monitored and i haven't been monitoring it so
(00:24:49):
Thank you.
(00:24:50):
I mean, that's definitely good things to keep track of.
(00:24:54):
Like I've had a similar struggle where I've noticed my sleep didn't feel as restorative.
(00:25:00):
I was tired throughout the day.
(00:25:02):
I was having like I constantly had brain fog.
(00:25:05):
It's just rough.
(00:25:07):
And then I was kind of thinking like, oh, do I have sleep apnea?
(00:25:11):
But I don't snore.
(00:25:13):
So I don't think that's what it is.
(00:25:15):
And then I was just I'm still not sure what it is,
(00:25:18):
but I remember kind of talking to a psychiatrist years ago about how I was
(00:25:26):
diagnosed with like this,
(00:25:27):
diagnosed with that.
(00:25:28):
And I don't agree with any of them.
(00:25:31):
She was just like, because you don't have any of them.
(00:25:33):
Only thing you have is complex PTSD.
(00:25:36):
Like, whoa, what is that?
(00:25:38):
And then it's basically CPTSD is basically like you were,
(00:25:42):
it's not like one huge traumatic moment.
(00:25:44):
You've been under stress for such a long time.
(00:25:48):
Which that's the other thing I'm like, I match a lot of those symptoms.
(00:25:53):
And I mean, you know how we've had, we had,
(00:25:57):
not maybe not necessarily the exact same childhood but our parents were you know
(00:26:01):
our parents yeah it was challenging that stuff definitely sticks with you um people
(00:26:08):
like they're starting to kind of i don't know if this is 100 true but i read that
(00:26:12):
they're starting to differentiate between complex pt ptsd and childhood ptsd i'm
(00:26:19):
reading a book on childhood ptsd right now and i'm interested to see kind of where
(00:26:23):
that goes
(00:26:25):
i um yeah it really does stop you from doing so many things it like it affects your
(00:26:31):
body it affects your sleep it affects your energy levels your pain and everything
(00:26:36):
yeah because i have a super suit does it like like give you a pretty high pain
(00:26:42):
tolerance do you have a pretty high pain tolerance extremely high pain tolerance
(00:26:49):
interesting i have one too but maybe
(00:26:52):
and so does d and he had a really rough childhood gotcha maybe then yeah it's like
(00:27:01):
okay i don't i don't i don't feel this i've been here before it's like your body
(00:27:09):
already sucks at being a body so yeah it's the worst i just want i would like to
(00:27:15):
just feel like
(00:27:17):
um i would like to see what it's like to feel what it would be like if i did not
(00:27:22):
have those symptoms so you know always trying to work on them and find a solution
(00:27:27):
like a science project it kind of is and i've tried so many things and like for the
(00:27:36):
OCD thoughts.
(00:27:37):
Cause like for me,
(00:27:39):
most of the challenge with OCD is like my brain just will not stop obsessing over
(00:27:46):
certain things consistently.
(00:27:47):
Like it's over and over and over.
(00:27:49):
And it's so much different than like rumination.
(00:27:52):
Cause it's not even like I'm ruminating.
(00:27:54):
It's literally like,
(00:27:57):
it's it's like paragraphs almost that just loop but i can hear them and see them at
(00:28:03):
the same time and yeah and like obviously it happens the most with music like most
(00:28:11):
people get a song stuck in their head every now and then but for me until i really
(00:28:15):
started learning about like
(00:28:18):
i think it's called synesthesia or something yeah until i started really learning
(00:28:23):
about that and how you can kind of like combat it a little bit like i'm never going
(00:28:26):
to be able to get rid of it but i can make it kind of calm down or go more in the
(00:28:32):
background um so until i learned that it was i would wake up with
(00:28:40):
three songs playing at the same time in my head.
(00:28:43):
And I couldn't go back to sleep after that because my brain was awake and it was just,
(00:28:50):
you know,
(00:28:50):
and I've,
(00:28:52):
I,
(00:28:52):
when I first started my sub stack,
(00:28:54):
I would post like the song of the day and it's just random and it doesn't matter
(00:28:58):
what music I'm listening to.
(00:28:59):
It could be twinkle, twinkle, little star, or it could be next X by Swako, you know?
(00:29:04):
Right.
(00:29:05):
Gotcha.
(00:29:05):
Yeah.
(00:29:07):
so but and so the zoloft has done a really good job at helping all of that and i'm
(00:29:16):
also on wellbutrin but we're starting to take me down because i don't feel like
(00:29:21):
it's doing anything anymore right
(00:29:25):
um i think i probably needed it when i had a two-year-old and i was exhausted and
(00:29:30):
parenting on my own even though i had a spouse um you know i was i was doing it all
(00:29:37):
um so i don't know but it's definitely the cptsd thing i always kind of forget that
(00:29:44):
that's something that like is a major part of my mental health
(00:29:51):
Um, it's, I don't know how I forget that I went through quite a few traumatic events.
(00:29:57):
Well,
(00:29:58):
I mean,
(00:29:58):
they kind of like one of the definitions of it,
(00:30:01):
like the trauma or sorry,
(00:30:03):
PTSD or depression is that they make you forget,
(00:30:06):
they make your memories shit.
(00:30:08):
They literally shrink the hippocampus, which is the memory center in your brain.
(00:30:14):
i didn't know it literally shrunk it that's crazy yeah but like it's not like a
(00:30:19):
permanent thing that it can grow back but it's just sad man it gives you there's so
(00:30:25):
many things that happen and people don't really understand it and i don't know i'm
(00:30:31):
hoping to one day be i don't know if i'll ever be over it but maybe accept it a
(00:30:40):
little more than i do right now
(00:30:43):
yeah yeah and and i'm you know it makes me wonder you know i want to know okay what
(00:30:51):
can i do to support myself with that like what are the resources what's the
(00:30:58):
research out there already you know what research studies can i participate in
(00:31:02):
because i love doing that um um
(00:31:07):
because you know like like you said the brain can change um absolutely and it's
(00:31:14):
interesting that you said it you mentioned the shrinking part because that
(00:31:16):
instantly made me think of in autistic people that part the hippocampus is much
(00:31:20):
larger than anybody else um yeah and their amygdala is smaller which is why they
(00:31:26):
struggle with the emotional emotions aspect of it because that's where your
(00:31:31):
emotions are well the responses i guess is the right word um
(00:31:38):
And it's a lot of the different disorders, they all overlap so much.
(00:31:49):
And that's challenging because it makes it really difficult to diagnose and to treat.
(00:31:57):
yeah that's kind of and i've noticed people are i've noticed that terms have been
(00:32:03):
growing because people are more interested in labeling themselves as having this or
(00:32:07):
having that which is stupid in my opinion because you shouldn't put yourself in a
(00:32:12):
box but as far as the diagnosis goes it's crucial because it helps you treat it it
(00:32:18):
helps you figure out what to do and i'm just i think like
(00:32:23):
i think under the cptsd umbrella there's so many of them like there's some bipolar
(00:32:27):
symptoms there might be some borderline personality disorder symptoms there's
(00:32:32):
definitely depression and anxiety but it's like cptsd is more of a it's like this
(00:32:38):
is you had a lot of constant trauma and then this is what kind of manifested it's
(00:32:45):
just a word to like link all that together in my opinion yeah and i like i like the
(00:32:51):
way
(00:32:53):
you look at that like that's a really it's just a word like it's just a it's almost
(00:33:00):
like it's not an acronym but it does represent that umbrella and i think it would
(00:33:09):
take like my brain's nerding out on the research end of this i love that kind of
(00:33:13):
stuff um which is so funny because in college i said i would never do research and
(00:33:19):
now i love it uh
(00:33:22):
Cause I didn't want to do research.
(00:33:24):
I didn't want to do research writing.
(00:33:25):
And now that's like half of what I do is research,
(00:33:28):
research,
(00:33:29):
research,
(00:33:29):
academia,
(00:33:30):
the pain in the ass though,
(00:33:31):
like doing it on your own is a lot more fun and you have a lot more freedom.
(00:33:35):
So much more freedom.
(00:33:36):
And even like when I moved into my masters,
(00:33:38):
I had so much more freedom than I did in my,
(00:33:40):
my bachelor's.
(00:33:42):
So it's,
(00:33:43):
you know,
(00:33:44):
just,
(00:33:44):
just a difference,
(00:33:46):
but you know,
(00:33:47):
it makes me wonder,
(00:33:48):
okay,
(00:33:48):
how would,
(00:33:50):
what would regular
(00:33:52):
meditation do for this what what does regular exercise do for this because all of
(00:33:59):
those like just those two things alone produce so many positive benefits into your
(00:34:04):
brain um that my other thought is i know for a fact that we on this earth have
(00:34:13):
everything we could ever need to survive to thrive to live and so you know
(00:34:20):
sitting in quiet was something that they did all the time you know 200 300 even 100
(00:34:28):
years ago and so while that might not have been quote unquote known as meditation
(00:34:35):
that's still what it was you know and 200 300 years ago everybody
(00:34:43):
was physically active because you had no choice.
(00:34:45):
You had to get up and move.
(00:34:46):
Now, don't get me wrong.
(00:34:47):
Quality of life was definitely not what it is now.
(00:34:51):
But if we take those principles and apply them to life now, like,
(00:34:56):
we should theoretically have everything we need to thrive and that's where i
(00:35:03):
struggle because for me i have zero excuses not to be meditating i have zero
(00:35:07):
excuses not to be exercising like that boils down to a self-discipline thing which
(00:35:12):
in reality is a self-love thing yeah that's definitely well put um i think
(00:35:21):
I think it's interesting because the more you do for yourself,
(00:35:25):
you do feel like the kind of return of loving yourself more.
(00:35:29):
Like I remember sort of when I started a skincare routine and like I would stare
(00:35:34):
myself in the mirror and I'd be like doing this thing,
(00:35:36):
but I knew I was doing it for myself and it kind of felt really nice.
(00:35:41):
yeah and then same with exercising is more so for me i'm doing it because it's i'm
(00:35:49):
very in the moment when i do it and i almost obsessively exercise but i also i know
(00:35:55):
that i'm doing it for like my own personal mental health i'm doing it to be in good
(00:36:00):
shape and you know to look good naked exactly
(00:36:07):
there's what was the last one meditating yeah that's um there's a lot of resistance
(00:36:13):
to meditating for a lot of people it's so simple you just sit down like it depends
(00:36:18):
on what kind you do but you can just sit down and focus on your breath for five
(00:36:21):
minutes but it just seems like such a daunting or boring task to some people that
(00:36:26):
it's really hard to start and my advice on that would be like there's so many
(00:36:31):
different forms of meditation that you have to find the one that you really gel
(00:36:34):
with
(00:36:35):
Yeah.
(00:36:36):
And that was something that like I didn't quite put together until I had it pointed out to me.
(00:36:46):
Like when I paint, typically I listen to music and that's it.
(00:36:53):
And a lot of times it's not even like regular music.
(00:36:55):
It's like some kind of like I really like spa music that plays a lot on the robots in the house.
(00:37:01):
It like brings me this instant calming effect.
(00:37:05):
um and i learned that in rosemary oil and that just must be what they use in like
(00:37:11):
massage places and stuff constantly because i instantly feel at peace which is
(00:37:16):
really cool yeah um so that was a little a little tidbit i learned about myself
(00:37:22):
that was definitely helpful but you know
(00:37:26):
painting just simply painting and focusing on that and nothing else that's a form
(00:37:32):
of meditation um i agree 100 i'd say the same thing with the writing yes yeah and
(00:37:40):
it's interesting because that was pointed out to me in the first time in the
(00:37:45):
artist's way um julia cameron yeah yeah i never even finished the book but no one
(00:37:54):
does that's how you know you're a real writer
(00:37:57):
time for real i did not know that i have so many people who haven't finished it
(00:38:03):
though that's what i don't know like the morning pages thing is just yeah well and
(00:38:08):
for me like and i had talked to quite a few people about this it did nothing for me
(00:38:13):
it actually did worse things for me um because i would have to like try to come up
(00:38:17):
with things and that's just not not what i am but and like journaling is another
(00:38:23):
form of meditation and then like
(00:38:27):
One of the things that...
(00:38:29):
I had missed the most about running because I just can't do it.
(00:38:34):
My body can't take that anymore, the pounding.
(00:38:37):
But that was definitely a form of meditation.
(00:38:40):
I remember describing to a therapist once that like one of the cool things that
(00:38:44):
happens when I run is it allows my brain to essentially go in the back and take all
(00:38:50):
of those boxes that need to be sorted and organize the mental clutter that was back
(00:38:55):
there and organize it all.
(00:39:01):
It's still hard for me to find something that gives me that same amount of stuff.
(00:39:11):
Now I will say that when Dee started teaching me to mountain bike,
(00:39:15):
I don't know what the fuck you want to call it.
(00:39:17):
Um,
(00:39:18):
that brings that for me because i have to focus so freaking much on just not
(00:39:23):
falling right so and for him you know he gets in this really cool zone and he gets
(00:39:29):
the same feeling that i got when i ran um so you know it's kind of like why am i
(00:39:37):
not helping myself now you know right right where's the self-sabotage starting
(00:39:45):
Because that's what this is.
(00:39:46):
It's self-sabotage,
(00:39:47):
like the energy drinks,
(00:39:49):
the not exercising,
(00:39:51):
the fast food,
(00:39:53):
the not drinking enough water,
(00:39:55):
not,
(00:39:57):
you know,
(00:39:58):
all of those things.
(00:39:59):
That's all just self-sabotage instead of self-love.
(00:40:04):
And I want to know, you know, what causes that inside of humans to happen?
(00:40:08):
Yeah.
(00:40:09):
I think a lot of it is fear, not fear of failure, but fear of success.
(00:40:13):
Because sometimes,
(00:40:16):
like for me,
(00:40:17):
when I'm most inclined to self-sabotage,
(00:40:21):
it's when I'm very,
(00:40:22):
very close to reaching a goal.
(00:40:24):
There's a part of me that just wants to throw everything away and just not do it.
(00:40:29):
And I realized a few things.
(00:40:31):
Like,
(00:40:31):
first of all,
(00:40:33):
you don't fear success that kind of manifests because if you're successful,
(00:40:37):
you have to take on more responsibilities and your life's not going to be as easy anymore,
(00:40:41):
blah,
(00:40:41):
blah,
(00:40:41):
blah.
(00:40:43):
another kind of thing is like think about this like i have a cousin who's talked to
(00:40:47):
me about weight loss since we were like four years old right oh he's been obsessed
(00:40:53):
about like weight loss and stuff because he always he always goes up and then down
(00:40:57):
and up and down and up and down yeah and yeah and i told her i was just like you
(00:41:04):
realize that one of the reasons
(00:41:08):
might not be losing weight is because if you actually reach the goal you just
(00:41:12):
wouldn't be able to talk about that anymore like you talk about it all the time so
(00:41:18):
if you get your goal that's no longer something you can use to talk about or to get
(00:41:23):
attention or anything like that i have never thought about it that way but you're
(00:41:28):
so right like yeah
(00:41:32):
like at what point do you just kind of throw your ego to the wind and realize
(00:41:37):
you're full of you know yeah yeah that's man that really kind of makes me like re
(00:41:46):
just think about like why i'm why i struggle with substack sometimes everyone
(00:41:56):
struggles with
(00:42:00):
i'm so jealous of people like i used to do this but i don't know why it's been more
(00:42:04):
challenging now but i'm jealous of people who are like consistent as fuck like
(00:42:10):
every and one of my theories is that if you're like a creator if you're like a tick
(00:42:14):
tock person or snapchat or whatever the hell you're doing as long as you don't stop
(00:42:19):
and you like you don't stop you keep like tweaking your stuff improving like you
(00:42:24):
know doing all that you will eventually make it you just yeah stop and i kind of
(00:42:31):
like i when i was persistent i got up to like 1.6 000 very quickly and then i
(00:42:36):
stopped
(00:42:37):
and i'm still at 1.6 000 like five months later so it's very interesting to me how
(00:42:43):
like those numbers work and now that i'm kind of making a bit of a comeback i'm
(00:42:49):
interested to see
(00:42:50):
team how much the consistency affects things because i used to i used to do once a
(00:42:57):
week so yeah i did too i i mean and i used to have the podcast come out once a week
(00:43:02):
and then a post come out once a week and i was consistently engaging with people
(00:43:09):
and i keep trying to blame it on my job but i remember
(00:43:16):
going through a period with the blog where I hit this lull and I just like didn't
(00:43:20):
want to do any of it anymore and this time around it really boiled down to I didn't
(00:43:29):
stay consistent while I was transitioning and then now it's almost like I don't
(00:43:35):
even know where to start because I have all these stories and it seems so
(00:43:40):
overwhelming to start to try to start writing about it all
(00:43:44):
just start writing again it seems so overwhelming for some reason yeah i think um i
(00:43:52):
think there's a lot of pressure if you take some time off and come back and want to
(00:43:56):
start writing again because you kind of feel like you have to put out something
(00:44:02):
that's really good and then that kind of gives you
(00:44:06):
it kind of gives you some,
(00:44:07):
it kind of cripples you a little bit because you don't want to put out something
(00:44:10):
that's not good and you just get this like anxiety around it and you just end up
(00:44:14):
not putting anything out,
(00:44:16):
which is,
(00:44:17):
which happens.
(00:44:18):
I don't, it happened to me too.
(00:44:19):
And I don't think it's correct as the right thing to do, but it's, it's very real.
(00:44:24):
And I think regarding like having all the topics and whatnot and like getting
(00:44:28):
overwhelmed for me,
(00:44:30):
it's just kind of like,
(00:44:32):
every time i have an idea i just write it down so it gets out of my brain and like
(00:44:37):
into my it's either to my phone or a notebook so anytime i have an idea
(00:44:41):
specifically for substack i'll instantly write it down and then i can think of like
(00:44:46):
stuff for it specifically like a brainstorm but well if i write it down it gets out
(00:44:51):
of my head and it becomes easier to manage so that i so i do that it's like
(00:44:57):
taking the ideas and putting them like taking the thoughts taking the stories and
(00:45:02):
putting them onto paper especially like stories that are like a good example is i
(00:45:10):
want to write about the um time when i
(00:45:16):
went with D to go pick up a motorcycle with him.
(00:45:19):
This was before we were, we were still just, you know, doing our dom sub type thing.
(00:45:25):
And, but that changed the entire trajectory of our relationship.
(00:45:30):
And for whatever reason,
(00:45:33):
thinking about all of the stuff I would write,
(00:45:37):
it's like,
(00:45:37):
I lock up almost.
(00:45:40):
And I don't even know where to start.
(00:45:44):
The other thing I think I'm worried about is I have yet to find a good medium.
(00:45:52):
Like my posts are either super short or super long and it's frustrating me a lot
(00:45:58):
because the super long ones don't usually get read.
(00:46:01):
Have you, do you edit them like very meticulously?
(00:46:06):
so that's the other thing no and i am kind of disappointed with myself in terms of
(00:46:11):
my writing because i have been kind of just treating it as like word vomit let it
(00:46:18):
go and like that's not serving me anymore and i'm i do write well i have the
(00:46:27):
ability to write well it just takes more effort and yeah and that's we're back to
(00:46:33):
the effort thing again
(00:46:36):
I think the benefit of editing is it helps cut some shit out and make it shorter.
(00:46:45):
Yeah.
(00:46:47):
And it's interesting.
(00:46:48):
I think...
(00:46:51):
i think it's one of those things one of the things about writing is that all the
(00:46:55):
cliches are unfortunately true like i haven't found a way to be able to sit down
(00:47:00):
and start writing besides just sitting down and doing it you know yeah yeah besides
(00:47:06):
just like starting jotting on like the blank piece of paper otherwise there's
(00:47:10):
nothing and something something that i found that helped me actually is if i open a
(00:47:15):
new draft
(00:47:16):
I just write some stuff based on what,
(00:47:18):
like the topic is maybe I write an opening sentence or a paragraph or two,
(00:47:22):
and then I leave it.
(00:47:23):
And then once I leave it, I become much more motivated to go back and finish it.
(00:47:28):
Why?
(00:47:28):
Maybe because I have this unfinished task there, but it really does help.
(00:47:34):
Oh, I like that.
(00:47:35):
I like that because I do know that sometimes like I'll open a draft that I had put
(00:47:43):
the title in for and I'll look to start writing it.
(00:47:48):
But then I'll look at the time and I'm like, I don't have the time to write this whole story.
(00:47:52):
It's interesting you saying this because my friend Scott and I were talking about this.
(00:47:59):
he told he asked me he was just like so nor i have a thing where when i write it's
(00:48:06):
always going to be in like an eight hour session there's no way i can like split it
(00:48:11):
up why do you think that is i i related to him because i was kind of like i i feel
(00:48:18):
very similarly where if i'm going to write something i just kind of bang it out but
(00:48:22):
now i've been learning to not do that
(00:48:25):
and i also think it increases i so my point is like i think it happens to a lot of
(00:48:30):
people but i think not doing that like not having these long sessions helps because
(00:48:36):
you write some you go about your day you come back and you have some more
(00:48:40):
perspective on what you want to say like your piece does become genuinely better
(00:48:44):
because your mind is thinking about it you know yeah yeah no that's a really good a
(00:48:49):
really good point and i think you know when i did the
(00:48:55):
i did the 1000 words a day challenge in last summer you know i really i did it
(00:49:02):
every single day and i was able to write a lot of good stuff um so it makes me and
(00:49:11):
you know it only took me 20 minutes it took 20 minutes out of my day no and that's
(00:49:18):
the thing like i so and i i
(00:49:22):
made me think about this as well like at work i struggle to dive into certain
(00:49:30):
projects because i'm like i don't have the time like people especially if i'm in
(00:49:35):
the office um like a really good example i have these forms that i have to recode
(00:49:42):
and it's just being super super difficult um but i'm the only one who knows how to
(00:49:47):
do it and yeah yeah it's special
(00:49:51):
um but it's gonna take me like three or four hours of straight concentration like i
(00:49:58):
have to concentrate on it and that's where it's like what is what's happening in my
(00:50:09):
brain that makes it think that i can't come back to it interesting interesting
(00:50:17):
yeah it's super interesting and definitely makes me want to explore a lot of it
(00:50:24):
more i think yeah for sure yeah you really brought up some really great like things
(00:50:33):
for me to think about and i think i think that's one of the things that i really
(00:50:38):
like the most about doing podcasts is just getting to talk to people and learning
(00:50:43):
other people's perspectives and you know bouncing ideas and thoughts and all of
(00:50:49):
that kind of off people and absolutely yeah so how is your men's group going
(00:50:59):
So before I address that, I had one more thing on the effort.
(00:51:02):
Yes, yes, please.
(00:51:03):
I want to actually,
(00:51:04):
a psychiatrist actually asks me,
(00:51:06):
not a psychiatrist,
(00:51:07):
a therapist asked me once,
(00:51:10):
he was like,
(00:51:10):
do you think you have a fear of effort?
(00:51:13):
And I was like, that's such an interesting way.
(00:51:15):
I don't,
(00:51:16):
but that's such an interesting way to put it because for instance,
(00:51:20):
I like to use my stretching routine as a example.
(00:51:23):
It's something I do every night and it's for some reason,
(00:51:27):
it'll take me like 50 minutes to finally just convince myself to get down on the
(00:51:31):
ground and do it.
(00:51:32):
It makes no sense at all.
(00:51:34):
I should be able to like get into it, but it just does not happen.
(00:51:40):
That is, I relate to that so much.
(00:51:43):
you you brought up skincare and i had done so many things to try and like okay i'll
(00:51:50):
put my face wipes next to my bed like that way there's no excuse the right on the
(00:51:56):
bed then i stopped doing all the other things to my face care like i stopped using
(00:52:01):
all the serums and all the stuff that was helping my face um and
(00:52:08):
so now i don't get into bed if i haven't done all of that because i won't get back
(00:52:15):
up right no 100 so fear of effort that's really interesting yeah i think so too i
(00:52:23):
don't know if there's too much to it like i've tried to look it up but it doesn't
(00:52:27):
seem like it's much of a thing because there wasn't really many results that came
(00:52:32):
up but it could be cool to look into yeah yeah i'm definitely gonna think on that
(00:52:36):
for sure
(00:52:39):
And regarding the men's group, Ben, it's been going really well.
(00:52:43):
Oh, good.
(00:52:44):
That makes me happy to hear.
(00:52:45):
Yeah, we started, I think, in August or September.
(00:52:49):
We meet for two hours once a week, and it's been super consistent.
(00:52:55):
Oh, that's awesome.
(00:52:57):
Yeah, it's been awesome.
(00:52:59):
Everybody's so respectful and thoughtful of other people's times.
(00:53:03):
It's become the point where it's like nine of us or so.
(00:53:06):
yeah it's been awesome and like it's gotten to the point where we're all like close
(00:53:12):
friends now and it's it's it's really cool it's not something i ever expected to
(00:53:16):
happen
(00:53:17):
But the way that it's manifested is awesome.
(00:53:20):
And like people always, it's awesome to hear how much it's helping some of them.
(00:53:24):
Like it's helping me tremendously too,
(00:53:26):
but it just feels really good to have put something like that together and not
(00:53:31):
really knowing where it could go.
(00:53:33):
I assume people would come for like the first couple and then just not show up again,
(00:53:38):
but that did not happen at all.
(00:53:40):
It's very interesting to me.
(00:53:41):
Yeah.
(00:53:42):
yeah so that's like i think one of the reasons why i have so much resistance with
(00:53:48):
starting you know the dead kid club because i think i'm worried that it's going to
(00:53:53):
get to a point where people just stop showing up and that i think is almost more of
(00:53:59):
like a rejection thing um like a fear of you know fear of being not necessarily
(00:54:06):
rejected but like i wasn't enough to keep them coming back you know
(00:54:12):
well I understand yeah so but that makes me think you know like I know so many
(00:54:19):
people on Substack already who have told me that they would love it um because they
(00:54:25):
don't have any other space like that because grief groups are just yeah um yeah I I
(00:54:32):
can give you some like advice if you want based on how I did mine
(00:54:39):
that would be i would love to you know chat with you about that as well we don't
(00:54:44):
necessarily need to do that here if you don't want to but no it's fine but i just i
(00:54:48):
wanted to say one thing and that's when i started
(00:54:52):
um first of all it's challenging to get x amount of people off of substack but also
(00:54:57):
another platform and then make everyone meet at the same time yeah it's a bit of a
(00:55:02):
clusterfuck but yeah before my first meeting like i was nervous to the point where
(00:55:08):
i was like i want to cancel this like it's gonna be no one's gonna because not
(00:55:12):
necessarily because
(00:55:15):
i guess it's kind of similar to what you were saying my fear was that no one was
(00:55:18):
going to take me seriously yeah but that very much so did not happen and that's
(00:55:24):
been it just i don't know it manifested into something i never expected and i think
(00:55:30):
you'd have a similar experience and you're you're right i'm not going to say
(00:55:36):
probably you are so am i what you're right oh yeah and it's um
(00:55:45):
People are like, you know how you hear about like the loneliness epidemic and yada, yada, yada.
(00:55:50):
People are desperate to connect.
(00:55:51):
So like they would want to come to the group,
(00:55:53):
not just because it's this grief group,
(00:55:55):
but also just you feel connected.
(00:55:57):
You have people to talk to.
(00:55:59):
And that's so true.
(00:56:00):
Because like,
(00:56:02):
you know right now there's one person i go to when like obviously i can go to date
(00:56:07):
with anything but you have to live through it and i'm so glad he's never never had
(00:56:14):
to live through that so like my best friend unfortunately also lived through it um
(00:56:21):
oh trust me we walked similar paths but hers was more intense than mine because she
(00:56:27):
had seven miscarriages before she finally got pregnant oh my gosh yeah and then
(00:56:32):
her son basically was born brain dead oh that's the worst dude yeah and she had to
(00:56:40):
make the choice to take him off life support yeah right so poor baby i know i know
(00:56:47):
it was just everything about it was so so awful and so like you know on the days
(00:56:53):
where things are really just really really hard she gets it
(00:56:57):
um but she's not always available because she has a life and children and a job
(00:57:03):
because she's a nurse and like you know there's all this stuff and i think having
(00:57:09):
and i know there are people out there who
(00:57:13):
don't even have that one person to talk to exactly and by you taking the initiative
(00:57:19):
they will have multiple people to talk to you you sir you i don't know what i'm
(00:57:27):
trying to say but you have the ability to do a lot of good with a very small risk
(00:57:36):
of it not working out i think it's worth taking that risk i like the way you put
(00:57:41):
that
(00:57:42):
Yeah,
(00:57:43):
I mean,
(00:57:43):
it's not just you're going to get a lot of out of it personally for yourself,
(00:57:48):
like for the fact that you started it,
(00:57:50):
you created it and like you also are a participant in it.
(00:57:53):
So you get a lot out of that.
(00:57:55):
But you're also going to realize how much it's helping everybody else and it's
(00:57:59):
really going to fill your heart.
(00:58:01):
It's a good experience.
(00:58:03):
you're really you're really speaking to me right now it's like you read my stuff
(00:58:07):
because you know that's the stuff that really what i live for that's why i do
(00:58:13):
non-profit stuff like you know it that really is a really good point because all i
(00:58:20):
ever say is all i ever want to do is just help people like i just want to help
(00:58:23):
people that's why i like doing the things that i do
(00:58:26):
yeah and i think your group would like definitely help people and i could i could
(00:58:30):
help like with some ideas like for me i um i think a cool thing was when i first
(00:58:37):
started i would ask i would like private message different people and ask for some
(00:58:41):
feedback and like how they're enjoying the group how
(00:58:45):
they think like i'm how do they agree with how i'm running it do they have any
(00:58:49):
other ideas yeah kind of to make it a very open sort of situation and i have
(00:58:55):
listened to some of the suggestions and i think because of some of those
(00:58:59):
suggestions we've locked it down to such a good format that it's very fluent and
(00:59:03):
very yeah um very like filled with profound ideas it's it's it's just great and i
(00:59:11):
think there's a lot you could
(00:59:14):
get out of it but i also don't think you should feel like you're the only person
(00:59:18):
like you're not going to be alone and starting it no and i i already i've already
(00:59:23):
talked to two moms on the platform on sub stack if they would be interested and
(00:59:30):
joining with me and starting this and both of them said absolutely i don't know
(00:59:34):
what it looks like but i'm so down and then i just did nothing with it
(00:59:40):
Well, that's what I did too, though, with events group.
(00:59:44):
I put up a note asking, like, would anyone be interested in events group?
(00:59:48):
And fucking fuck ton of people replied.
(00:59:50):
Yeah.
(00:59:51):
And then I just stopped.
(00:59:53):
Yeah.
(00:59:53):
And I just stopped.
(00:59:54):
I forgot about it.
(00:59:55):
And I didn't forget about it.
(00:59:56):
I was just kind of intimidated.
(00:59:57):
So I moved on and did nothing.
(00:59:59):
And then one of the guys in the group, he...
(01:00:03):
he private messaged me and he was like, Hey, what's going on with the men's group?
(01:00:06):
Is it going to happen?
(01:00:07):
I was like, ah, fuck.
(01:00:08):
Now I got to do it.
(01:00:10):
I was like,
(01:00:11):
dude,
(01:00:11):
that kid,
(01:00:12):
I'm not going to name him obviously,
(01:00:13):
but like he said something to me.
(01:00:16):
Like I made a joke about how the group's only there because he kind of pushed me in
(01:00:20):
the direction.
(01:00:22):
And he said to me,
(01:00:23):
he was like,
(01:00:23):
when I wanted to do the thing about the men's group is I didn't want to join a
(01:00:27):
men's group.
(01:00:27):
I wanted to join your men's group.
(01:00:30):
And I was like, dude, that's beautiful.
(01:00:33):
it is that's so cool though and i i think you can get the same thing out of it
(01:00:39):
though like it's yeah you gotta some of these things you gotta just pull the trail
(01:00:43):
trigger and yeah and i can make excuse after excuse after excuse but at the end of
(01:00:49):
the day it's just an excuse it's not
(01:00:52):
real so i'm i'm the same exact way man i can i could bullshit my way out of
(01:00:57):
anything but oh i'm so good at it but we're also just bullshitting ourselves at the
(01:01:02):
end of the day yeah we get nothing out of it you know exactly yeah that is i feel
(01:01:09):
like i kind of got a little bit of like a little bit of an ego check almost that i
(01:01:13):
really needed um so because like i have all these goals i have all these things
(01:01:18):
that i want to do and i have not done anything to work towards them
(01:01:21):
nothing except i've done one step of the goal for the book and that's it like you
(01:01:31):
know i talk about all the time how much i want this and you you mentioned you know
(01:01:35):
your cousin she if i finish it and i publish it i'll have nothing to talk about
(01:01:40):
which is not true because then i'll have other things to talk about i can talk
(01:01:44):
about literally anything i can like taylor has a problem with shutting up you know
(01:01:49):
so
(01:01:51):
No, I hear you, but I think the book becomes part of your identity.
(01:01:54):
Like, oh, I'm writing this book and yada, yada, yada.
(01:01:57):
You become attached to that idea.
(01:01:59):
And then sometimes you don't want to let go.
(01:02:03):
Sometimes you just are afraid it's not going to be as good as you think it'll be.
(01:02:08):
Well, there's so many barriers in writing.
(01:02:11):
There's so much resistance.
(01:02:13):
Yeah.
(01:02:15):
That's so, so very true.
(01:02:17):
So...
(01:02:20):
we're already past an hour,
(01:02:21):
but I do have like one more question for you that I've been wanting to learn more about.
(01:02:26):
I hear the podcast you're starting.
(01:02:30):
Oh, nice.
(01:02:31):
It's a good question.
(01:02:32):
Um, so I'm, I'm starting a podcast.
(01:02:37):
It's called casually copacetic.
(01:02:39):
It's, um,
(01:02:40):
My idea is,
(01:02:41):
and I wanted to do this for a while,
(01:02:43):
this is another thing I announced months ago,
(01:02:45):
but never actually did anything with.
(01:02:48):
I think I announced it like three months into my Substack tenure,
(01:02:51):
and it never manifested into anything.
(01:02:54):
But right now, I'm...
(01:02:57):
I want to talk to up and coming creatives and I don't mean like,
(01:03:01):
I'm not talking about like a sub stacker who has like a hundred followers because
(01:03:05):
that's just not what I'm interested in.
(01:03:08):
Sorry if you guys have a hundred followers, I'm not shitting on you for your follower count.
(01:03:13):
I'm just saying like when I say up and coming creative, that's not necessarily what I mean.
(01:03:16):
I mean, like I have people who are like,
(01:03:24):
25 000 subscribers on youtube and they're doing this really cool thing like for
(01:03:29):
example my first guest is my friend ricky he's um he does travel documentary by
(01:03:34):
himself like he he it's very bourdain like right oh okay
(01:03:40):
yeah and he has like he used to have his own show and everything and he has like
(01:03:44):
his channel is very popular and he like he took i think he took a break and he's
(01:03:49):
coming back to it now so like i want to to ask i want to ask questions like
(01:03:55):
yeah what gave you like the courage to go on your own path instead of like the nine
(01:04:01):
to five thing and like i also have my cousin who's an edm he's a pediatrician but
(01:04:06):
he's also an idm dj i was like super interested in like i can't wait to listen to
(01:04:13):
that one because he's a workhorse man it's really impressive i want to hear how he
(01:04:17):
balances it all like how do you balance publishing music like producing music and
(01:04:23):
being a pediatrician
(01:04:25):
like i have no idea like what do you do with your brain i have no idea like his
(01:04:30):
songs have like over like mil like all his songs together have like a million plus
(01:04:36):
like streams on spotify that's amazing yeah he's very successful in both regards so
(01:04:42):
um
(01:04:45):
Yeah, that's going to be a fun conversation.
(01:04:48):
The other guest that I have planned, she's probably going to be my second, is my friend Chelsea.
(01:04:53):
It's a woman coaching business,
(01:04:57):
but it's also kind of like helping women balance their hormones,
(01:05:01):
helping women.
(01:05:03):
Yeah, she's already made so much from it.
(01:05:07):
It's crazy.
(01:05:08):
She's very, very good at it.
(01:05:11):
And she has like these amazing testimonials.
(01:05:13):
So I'm very excited to bring her on and kind of ask her some questions and
(01:05:17):
introduce her to the Substack world.
(01:05:19):
Yeah, that'll be, I'm excited to listen to all of them, to be honest.
(01:05:26):
And I was really excited to see that you were doing it.
(01:05:29):
Yeah, dude.
(01:05:29):
Hell yeah.
(01:05:30):
I'm like, I'm not just going to have those people.
(01:05:33):
Like I'll also, it's going to be challenging to find guests like that consistently.
(01:05:38):
Yes.
(01:05:38):
I'm still going to have like sub stock people on every now and then,
(01:05:41):
you know,
(01:05:42):
it's just that the problem with the problem with,
(01:05:49):
um,
(01:05:51):
I don't want just I don't want to be another podcast.
(01:05:53):
We just interview sub stackers.
(01:05:55):
And it's a weird thing to say on a podcast interview.
(01:05:58):
So you know what I mean?
(01:06:01):
Yeah, it's just like I would just like your podcast.
(01:06:04):
It already exists.
(01:06:05):
I'd like to do something a little different, you know?
(01:06:07):
Yeah, no.
(01:06:09):
And I totally relate.
(01:06:10):
But I also like.
(01:06:13):
I, you know, I'm tired of interviewing just sub stackers.
(01:06:20):
And so like,
(01:06:20):
no offense to all of my sub stackers that I've interviewed every single one of you
(01:06:24):
has been wonderful.
(01:06:26):
But I do think that
(01:06:28):
I need to,
(01:06:29):
I want to start,
(01:06:31):
you know,
(01:06:32):
talking to other people who have had completely unique life experiences.
(01:06:37):
You know,
(01:06:38):
I want to learn and I want to hear,
(01:06:42):
you know,
(01:06:42):
just that's what was,
(01:06:44):
that's why I started the Curiosity Chronicles because I'm so curious.
(01:06:48):
That's a better way of saying nosy.
(01:06:50):
Yeah.
(01:06:53):
um but i'm really excited for you to start this and just to listen and and see how
(01:07:01):
amazing it turns out to be hell yeah dude i'm very excited thank you and i'm not
(01:07:06):
sure if it's going to be a video or audio thing but i might just go all out with
(01:07:09):
video i'm i don't know if people are more inclined to listen if there's also a
(01:07:14):
video you know
(01:07:16):
Yeah,
(01:07:16):
I don't know because I listen to most of my podcasts on Spotify,
(01:07:22):
but you can also see the video if it has a video component on Spotify,
(01:07:27):
which breaks my brain a little bit.
(01:07:29):
I'm like, wait a minute.
(01:07:31):
How's that any different from YouTube at this point?
(01:07:35):
it is the same i think it is the same but it's just i guess kind of like you're
(01:07:39):
saying it just gives people who prefer like different mediums a chance yeah like if
(01:07:44):
that's true that's a really good point i didn't even think about that because like
(01:07:49):
you know not everybody is on apple podcasts you know spotify but they might watch
(01:07:57):
youtube that's a really good point
(01:07:59):
You know, it surprises me and I'm sure it surprises you too.
(01:08:02):
And like a strange way,
(01:08:03):
like when I've done,
(01:08:05):
I've done like a quite a few podcast interviews and I know you've done quite a few
(01:08:09):
podcasts yourself.
(01:08:10):
And it's like, to me, people message me to like talk about the things I said on it.
(01:08:15):
And I'm always like, holy shit, someone actually listened to this.
(01:08:19):
I always, I'm always like flabbergasted by it.
(01:08:21):
I just assume it's something you make it throw into the ether and it's just kind of there,
(01:08:26):
you know?
(01:08:26):
Yeah.
(01:08:28):
It's one of the things about writing and doing like podcasting stuff,
(01:08:33):
whatever it is you might be doing,
(01:08:35):
is that there's so much of the work,
(01:08:37):
it just goes unnoticed.
(01:08:39):
Yeah.
(01:08:41):
And that's fine.
(01:08:42):
I don't need to be appreciated for everything that I do.
(01:08:45):
It's interesting that the beginning of the grind is very kind of ruthless and
(01:08:51):
you're making a lot of work that you just have to accept might not be seen by
(01:08:56):
anybody or heard by anybody.
(01:08:58):
I think that is really a crux of most of my problems when it comes to getting some
(01:09:03):
of this,
(01:09:04):
starting some of this stuff.
(01:09:05):
Like it,
(01:09:09):
I,
(01:09:10):
it's a weird way to say this,
(01:09:11):
but praise is like,
(01:09:15):
it's something that's part of like how I feel.
(01:09:20):
It's a good motivator for me.
(01:09:21):
Yeah.
(01:09:26):
They would not leave me alone.
(01:09:27):
I was like,
(01:09:28):
would relate that's so cute yeah mine's passed out right now thankfully oh that's
(01:09:34):
nice yeah he's a he has so much energy all the time but not right now apparently
(01:09:40):
that's good mine are pretty low energy thankfully yeah for sure
(01:09:45):
but yeah the lack of recognition that happens in the beginning and because i don't
(01:09:51):
get immediate results it's like my brain is like not this no it's true it's it's
(01:09:58):
hard to go through the muck and the muck in this case is just kind of the unnoticed
(01:10:04):
unglamorous just yeah nobody but hey taylor thanks so much for having me yes but i
(01:10:10):
do actually have to get going same z's
(01:10:14):
But thank you so much for coming back on.
(01:10:17):
I'm really excited for this to come out and I can't wait to see all the great
(01:10:22):
things that are going to happen.
(01:10:23):
Thank you.
(01:10:24):
I really appreciate that.
(01:10:26):
And likewise to you.
(01:10:27):
Thank you.
(01:10:27):
I appreciate that.
(01:10:28):
After this, we have to pledge to try more effort.
(01:10:31):
Yes, I like that.
(01:10:32):
This is like going out in the universe now.
(01:10:34):
So there we go.
(01:10:36):
I'm putting in the effort.
(01:10:38):
So thank you so much.
(01:10:41):
And thank you, everybody, for listening.
(01:10:43):
And we will talk to you guys next time.
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